51 replies to this topic

[Ramo]

Salam.

I don't have a title for this. It's short Haven't finished it off but here is a taste of what i have coming. Hope you all like it.


As i lay there helplessly in the red desert,
Under the burning sun,
Flies eating me alive,
I hear loud footsteps banging on the sand,
Soldiers laughing and chanting,
Then i see big black hardcapped boots falling on the earth,
Sand flowing from under them,
Carried by the wind and freely flow into my eyes,
It HURTS!,
Like a million small sharp pieces of glass piercing into my eyes,
The soldiers march right passed me,
I am scared,
I can't move,
I want to shout out for help but my lips won't move,
I want to cry but my eyes are dry,
My body is numb and so is my mind,
The outline of my body buried in the sand,
It won't last for long,
Being printed over by the wheels of tanks, humvees and footsteps of rapists,
I am an eight year old boy,
I should have lived longer,
Now i'm just an untold story,
An innocent haunted soul that painly passed away.

Salam.

Edited by Ramo, 22 November 2007 - 08:04 AM.

[Abu Abok]

Mashallah bro NICE STUFF!!!

would love to see more of this side of ya inshallah

Salam

[Ramo]

deathdealer(rebel), on Oct 21 2007, 02:57 PM, said:

Mashallah bro NICE STUFF!!!

would love to see more of this side of ya inshallah

Salam

Thanks billal Much love

Edited by Ramo, 21 October 2007 - 09:09 AM.

[Abdul Rahman]

That's so touching! That's an amazing poem. Masha'Allah! More bro, bro!

I noticed there was no rhyming pattern though. You should try get a good flow of rhyme in poems if you can. IMO, they make a poem sound better, but again, that's just personal preference ..


Nice work masha'Allah!

[Ramo]

Abdul Rahman, on Oct 21 2007, 06:24 PM, said:

That's so touching! That's an amazing poem. Masha'Allah! More bro, bro!

I noticed there was no rhyming pattern though. You should try get a good flow of rhyme in poems if you can. IMO, they make a poem sound better, but again, that's just personal preference ..


Nice work masha'Allah!

You can check out my other poems most of them all rhyme. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. Thanks for the compliment and suggestion brother.

[MonkeyDee]

eeww ramo sounding soo sensitive! okay besides that, judging the poem itself, it's gotta be a master-piece u started and ended it beautifully personally i love the ending

keep doing on doing on!

[daus_san]

i like your style bro. its poetically graphic. keep it up

[Aamina]

That's intense. You could do with checking your sentence structure in places though.

[Ramo]

Frost-bite, on Oct 21 2007, 06:53 PM, said:

eeww ramo sounding soo sensitive! okay besides that, judging the poem itself, it's gotta be a master-piece u started and ended it beautifully personally i love the ending

keep doing on doing on!

Lol, Never judge a book by it's cover. Thanks on the comment bro jazaks.

daus_san, on Oct 21 2007, 06:54 PM, said:

i like your style bro. its poetically graphic. keep it up

Thanks duas your poetically graphic too . Thanks again.

[Ramo]

Aamina, on Oct 21 2007, 06:55 PM, said:

That's intense. You could do with checking your sentence structure in places though.

Meaning?

[Aamina]

''I should of lived longer'' should be ''I should have lived longer.''

''Of'' sounds wrong.

[Ramo]

Aamina, on Oct 21 2007, 07:06 PM, said:

''I should of lived longer'' should be ''I should have lived longer.''

''Of'' sounds wrong.

Oh, I thought it was like that arleady?. I have 'Have' in my book where i first wrote the poem. Meh thanks for noticing it out anyways. Anything else?.

[rambant]

Very graphic, I like that it doesn't rhyme. It's well done, a lot of senses being brought into play.

[::Aqsa::]

Masha'Allah brother, great poem! Loved the ending! It was touching too, subhanAllah! Very graphic and full of emotions, keep it up bro :thumbsup:

[Ramo]

rambant, on Oct 21 2007, 09:06 PM, said:

Very graphic, I like that it doesn't rhyme. It's well done, a lot of senses being brought into play.

::Aqsa::, on Oct 21 2007, 09:33 PM, said:

Masha'Allah brother, great poem! Loved the ending! It was touching too, subhanAllah! Very graphic and full of emotions, keep it up bro :thumbsup:

Thanks sisters!.


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