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I Am The Eight Year Old Boy.


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#1 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 05:51 AM

Salam.

I don't have a title for this. It's short Haven't finished it off but here is a taste of what i have coming. Hope you all like it.


As i lay there helplessly in the red desert,
Under the burning sun,
Flies eating me alive,
I hear loud footsteps banging on the sand,
Soldiers laughing and chanting,
Then i see big black hardcapped boots falling on the earth,
Sand flowing from under them,
Carried by the wind and freely flow into my eyes,
It HURTS!,
Like a million small sharp pieces of glass piercing into my eyes,
The soldiers march right passed me,
I am scared,
I can't move,
I want to shout out for help but my lips won't move,
I want to cry but my eyes are dry,
My body is numb and so is my mind,
The outline of my body buried in the sand,
It won't last for long,
Being printed over by the wheels of tanks, humvees and footsteps of rapists,
I am an eight year old boy,
I should have lived longer,
Now i'm just an untold story,
An innocent haunted soul that painly passed away.


Salam.

Edited by Ramo, 22 November 2007 - 08:04 AM.


#2 Abu Abok

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 05:57 AM

Mashallah bro NICE STUFF!!!

would love to see more of this side of ya inshallah ;)

Salam

#3 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:09 AM

View Postdeathdealer(rebel), on Oct 21 2007, 02:57 PM, said:

Mashallah bro NICE STUFF!!!

would love to see more of this side of ya inshallah ;)

Salam

Thanks billal :D Much love :P

Edited by Ramo, 21 October 2007 - 09:09 AM.


#4 Abdul Rahman

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:24 AM

That's so touching! That's an amazing poem. Masha'Allah! More bro, bro!

I noticed there was no rhyming pattern though. You should try get a good flow of rhyme in poems if you can. IMO, they make a poem sound better, but again, that's just personal preference :)..


Nice work masha'Allah!

#5 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:45 AM

View PostAbdul Rahman, on Oct 21 2007, 06:24 PM, said:

That's so touching! That's an amazing poem. Masha'Allah! More bro, bro!

I noticed there was no rhyming pattern though. You should try get a good flow of rhyme in poems if you can. IMO, they make a poem sound better, but again, that's just personal preference :) ..


Nice work masha'Allah!


You can check out my other poems most of them all rhyme. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. Thanks for the compliment and suggestion brother. :D

#6 MonkeyDee

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:53 AM

eeww ramo sounding soo sensitive! okay besides that, judging the poem itself, it's gotta be a master-piece u started and ended it beautifully :( personally i love the ending :)

keep doing on doing on!

#7 daus_san

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:54 AM

i like your style bro. its poetically graphic. keep it up :)

#8 Aamina

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:55 AM

That's intense. You could do with checking your sentence structure in places though. :)

#9 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:56 AM

View PostFrost-bite, on Oct 21 2007, 06:53 PM, said:

eeww ramo sounding soo sensitive! okay besides that, judging the poem itself, it's gotta be a master-piece u started and ended it beautifully :( personally i love the ending :)

keep doing on doing on!

Lol, Never judge a book by it's cover. Thanks on the comment bro jazaks.

View Postdaus_san, on Oct 21 2007, 06:54 PM, said:

i like your style bro. its poetically graphic. keep it up :)

Thanks duas your poetically graphic too :P . Thanks again.

#10 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 09:57 AM

View PostAamina, on Oct 21 2007, 06:55 PM, said:

That's intense. You could do with checking your sentence structure in places though. :)

Meaning? :huh:

#11 Aamina

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 10:06 AM

''I should of lived longer'' should be ''I should have lived longer.''

''Of'' sounds wrong.

#12 Ramo

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 10:09 AM

View PostAamina, on Oct 21 2007, 07:06 PM, said:

''I should of lived longer'' should be ''I should have lived longer.''

''Of'' sounds wrong.

Oh, I thought it was like that arleady?. I have 'Have' in my book where i first wrote the poem. Meh thanks for noticing it out anyways. Anything else?.

#13 rambant

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 12:06 PM

Very graphic, I like that it doesn't rhyme. It's well done, a lot of senses being brought into play.

#14 ::Aqsa::

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Posted 21 October 2007 - 12:33 PM

Masha'Allah brother, great poem! Loved the ending! It was touching too, subhanAllah! Very graphic and full of emotions, keep it up bro :thumbsup:

#15 Ramo

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Posted 24 October 2007 - 01:58 PM

View Postrambant, on Oct 21 2007, 09:06 PM, said:

Very graphic, I like that it doesn't rhyme. It's well done, a lot of senses being brought into play.



View Post::Aqsa::, on Oct 21 2007, 09:33 PM, said:

Masha'Allah brother, great poem! Loved the ending! It was touching too, subhanAllah! Very graphic and full of emotions, keep it up bro :thumbsup:


Thanks sisters!. :D


This area is dead. Hardly any comments after 1 week :(


Thanks brov'z/Sis'z



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