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GirlCrush and confession - 7th Century Generation

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GirlCrush and confession


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#1 Guest_Guest_megatron5228_*_*

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 05:43 AM

Assalaamu Alaikum everyone

This past summer I did something horrible (or at least somewhat?!?!?) I had this female friend that I have a crush on. I liked her so much that I went overboard. I have been friends with this girl for almost two years but I have felt extra for her for almost about a year. This girl I have never hung out with formally, but have hung out spontaneously. What I mean is that I would bump into her on campus and we sat and talked and talked. If not that, then we would talk online. She is extremely tough to get a hold of, so that is why it's hard to set up something. She never picks up the phone or answers back e-mails/myspace msgs. If it is not meant to be with her, I at least wanted to spend more time with her in the company of our other friends and get to know her; that way I know what I am getting myself into. I am definitely not close to her. Our families are friends, but not close friends. I guess our families are on a level of getting to know each other as well.

When we first became friends, she would always write me sweet messages on the internet, praise anything and everything I said. Supposedly I would hear through other people that she would even be asking about me, my information.

I started to feel for her a year after our slight friendship because she is one of the best people I could simply talk to and have a conversation with for the longest time. We would talk for the longest time about anything and everything. She is insanely friendly, frank voice, great personality, patience, hard-working, and I do find her attractive. She is also very smart and knowledgable about Islam. Her parents are also well-rounded as she is and are respectable towards all people. She possessed a lot of qualities I could ever ask for in a girl.

She used to be friends mostly with Muslims and/or well rounded students who never get into trouble. But now surrounds herself mostly with non-Muslims since the Muslims in the school let her down. When I said she is religious, I meant it in the sense that it is strong in her heart and incorporates into her daily life and is always learning about Islam; however, I am pretty sure she does not pray consistently (Allah knows best). So is she considered religious or what? I happen to be on all my places and ques, praying 5x a day, going to the masjid once a day, and reading Quran, etc. I do have my downsides such as cursing, making dirty jokes, but nothing more than that.

Here is the story:
The girl I like, it seems like she got into some trouble. She has/had this male friend, non-muslim, which she had just become friends with at the time. They were friends for 7 months that I was aware of (if not more, donít know if things ended, if theyre still friends???). This girl never has any bad habits, but she was hanging around some bad people, which obviously led to some terrible things. I found these pictures of her online doing some very bad stuff. I found her drinking alcohol, smoking, then she was making out with this non-Muslim friend (3rd month of their friendship). When I discovered this (5th month of their friendship), it made me very upset and I simply was hurt for the longest time. I was so sad. I always envisioned as her being a better person than I was, and then she did all THAT! I donít even get into that kind of trouble. These pictures were up for 3 months, and were taken down. I happened to discover them in that 3rd month.

As time went on, I happened to discover more pictures of her and this other man. There was a few pictures of them hugging or holding each other, going places, and simply being buddy buddy. It just made me burn so badly inside. I happened to find out information about this guy by looking at his Facebook and Myspace. Evidently he is not a good man. He is an alcoholic, druggie, and even has a DUI. I was scared that my female friend (crush) is going to get hurt emotionally and physically. I wanted her to be safe. I also care a lot for her familyís sake since she happens to be the oldest to three other siblings, and it wouldnít be desirable if the siblings ever found out her shenanigans.

During these 7 months, I would closely watch her Facebook wall and see when that male friend of herís would write on her wall and what he would write. At times, he wouldnt write for the longest time, but then he would strike. The way he would talk to her and be friendly (seemed a little TOO friendly at times) would also make me burn.

I asked one of her good friends (who also happens to be my friend as well) if she is in relationship with that guy, and the answer was no. Her friend said that she (my crush) would have told her. My crush advertised it on the internet and I once asked her about it, but she said it was just a joke. At times I had my doubts and still do.

THIS IS WHAT I DID:
I collected all the pictures I could of her and this other man. I even collected pictures of this dirty man from previous years of him smoking, partying, anything disturbing, etc. I wrote a nasty letter expressing all these bad things of this man and how he is a failure and anything that is bad about him. This letter also talked about what my crush and this man did together. I was able to get all the pictures except the one of her drinking and kissing this man. I put all this together and mailed it 3-4x to her familyís house. Each time I sent it, it had different pics and messages. The first I sent it was the worst of them all. Not only did I send it to her house, but I sent it to their family friendís house as well who has the same last name as her family, all 3-4x. This would assure that her parents found out about this. The first time I sent it, she immediately deactivated her Facebook as did that other man.

A week after it happened, I e-mailed her telling her how my summer was going and what I was up to. She e-mailed me back telling how things were going with her and seemed fine, but she never mentioned anything bad that was happening. So she has no idea I did all of this. I did all of this in the 8th month since they became friends. Since that e-mail when she wrote back, I would try all means of contacting her with e-mail, calling, text but she never got back to me. If she knew I did it, she would have called me out or her parents would have.

Since then:
Until this day, I donít know what else happened or what has taken place ever since I mailed out the nasty package. I donít know if my crush and that dirty man are still friends. If I did something, her or her family would have confronted me. I still talk to her parents very friendly as they do the same right back to me when I see them in the community. In the 9th month since the time my crush and that male became friends, I bumped into her into the grocery store and said hello, but she seemed really down and said hey and completely walked away into the parking lot. She rolled her eyes and dropped her shoulders. It seemed like a rude gesture on her part. So from that point on, I stopped all contacts with her assuming she needs time to be to herself emotionally.

I saw her again in the 11th month 2x and she still seemed down. I would say hi to her and she would say hello, but with no enthusiasm. Ever since I met her, she used to be the most outgoing, polite person I ever knew, and now she has become the opposite. She used to call me buddy and come from far away to talk to me. What I did may have led to her breakdown, but it could possibly be some other things going on in her life. During the 11th month, I tried all means of contacting her but still no answer.

I was also told by a few friends that my crush was very rude to them and made them feel undesirable. She even had the nerve not to say hello to anyone that her mother would introduce to her.

Obviously she is depressed or being bothered. I made a fake e-mail and e-mailed her to her college address which can be found through the college homepageís website. What I wrote in that nasty letter, I wrote the same thing reminding her what she did. She replied to that e-mail 9 hours later saying to stop, so it made sense that she is actually avoiding me and others.

Advice & need help:
I know what I did was possibly wrong. I ask Allah for forgiveness. I even ask Allah to do whatís best in this situation. I did it because I had a major crush on this girl. At the same time, I didnít want her to get hurt or to be in a very bad situation. I hated this guy and I wanted him to get away from her. I was protecting her, but it was done in an undesirable way. I dont feel bad in the sense that I was protecting her, but I do feel bad about the way I took matters into my own hands.

I still like this girl and I do want to be more than friends with her. However, I donít think I could ever tell her or anyone that I did such a thing. She has no idea that I actually did such a thing by getting her in trouble with her parents. I can almost promise that I will never do such a thing again, and I will always be nice, honest, and protect her if we ever got a chance to be together.

I just wanted some advice on how to approach this situation? What are your thoughts on what I did, what Islam says about such an incident. Is Allah punishing me by having her avoid me? If she assumes that I had nothing to do of this situation, then why could she be avoiding me? Should I drop this crush altogether and move on? If this girl comes around and starts being nice to me, how should I handle the situation? Please help me out, be honest, give advice, and guide me. If anyone has some nasty things to say, at least follow up by being constructive, or else do not respond. Obviously I am here for help. JazakíAllah.

#2 Guest_Rajiyat Al Firdaws_*

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 12:01 PM

approved and bumped for public viewing

#3 Guest_Guest_megatron5228_*_*

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 11:51 PM

Help me out here...

#4 Serenity

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 01:30 AM

In my opinion, what you did WAS wrong. I understand you were trying to protect her, but that probably wasn't the right way to go about it. You probably caused her a lot of embarassment and drama at home. What if her reputation is ruined as well? You should've sent those pictures to her instead..maybe.

I think you should move on from this crush. First of all, she isn't interested in you, I think. Second, relationships are based on honesty and trust. Unless you can be upfront about what you did to her, and she forgives you, I don't think you should go at that route at all. Imagine if she finds out later what you did. It may be a disaster.

I don't really know what else to say. Repent to Allah (swt) sincerely. Next time, try a different approach, and try to be more patient inshaAllah. Don't let jealousy get the best of you. Analyze your intentions. Was it really to protect her? Or was it because of jealousy?

#5 marriya

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 01:31 AM

Quote

I just wanted some advice on how to approach this situation? What are your thoughts on what I did, what Islam says about such an incident. Is Allah punishing me by having her avoid me? If she assumes that I had nothing to do of this situation, then why could she be avoiding me? Should I drop this crush altogether and move on? If this girl comes around and starts being nice to me, how should I handle the situation? Please help me out, be honest, give advice, and guide me. If anyone has some nasty things to say, at least follow up by being constructive, or else do not respond. Obviously I am here for help. JazakíAllah.


Why do you think Allah is punishing you?

I think what you did was out of hand and completely unacceptable. How do you think her family reacted to those hideous things you sent them?

She's probably avoiding anyone who thinks her friendship/relationship with that guy [ who you dislike so much] was a bad thing in her life. It might have been the only thing that made her happy at that time, a phase she was going through. We're human and we make mistakes, you dont go around telling other people about their sins rather you try to advise them and straighten them up.

I believe that there were better ways for you to have communicated your opinions.
I dont see how shes ever gonna be nice or sweet to you. From your post it seems the girl was JUST a friend towards you.

I hope that she can get out of the hole shes in until then may Allah forgive you and us for our own mistakes.

#6 -tawakkul-

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 01:33 AM

walaykumsalaams warahamatullah

sorry but to be honest from reading ur post im abit confused...i mean no offence you couldn't have liked the girl soo much that you'd do such a horrible thing and hurt her to such an extent. I dont know the islamic ruling on what you did, but i personally dont think you should have done that...just imagine it was you and someone did that..u jus exposed her sins to others and u never know maybe the sister made sincere repentance to Allah for her mistakes...for this reminds me of the following hadith of concealing your sins and the beauty of it..

A man asked Ibn 'Umar, "What did you hear Allah's Messenger (saws)
saying regarding the 'An-Najwa' (secret talk between Allah and His
believing worshipper on the Day of Judgment)?"

He said, "(The Prophet (saws) said), 'One of you will come close to
his Lord till He will shelter him in His screen and Say: 'Did you
commit such-and-such sin?'

The slave will say: 'Yes.' Then Allah will Say: 'Did you commit such
and such sin?' The salve will say: 'Yes'.

So Allah will make him confess (all his sins, one by one..) and then
the Lord will Say: 'I screened them (did not expose your sins) for you
in the world, and Today I forgive them all for you!' "

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.96 Narrated by Safwan bin Muhriz


sorry did u say you was protecting her? i dont get it? how? you say yoy want to be with her etc etc but im really not sure whether she would want to be with you after what you did. im actually very shocked someone could go to such an extent and do this to someone they supposedly had "feelings" for or whatever it was.

I think you should hav been honest and advised her and give naseeha as u were a friend to her, to me it seems instead of being a friend to her i.e. correcting her mistakes, you made things worse...maybe you should confess to her. she is probably DYING to know who did that. jus imagine someone did that to you...it would kill u up inside to know who it is so that you could kill them..am i right??

im really sorry if i came across as harsh... firstly u need apologise to this girl and see how she feels about you. if she is not interested then move on and stop wasting your life. there's far more things to do.

btw i must say ur username smacked it...megatron (unless it jus happens to be you unintentionally used that username)

hope this helps and forgive me for any mistakes. take care

#7 *Prisoner650*

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 01:56 AM

Salam all,

Just like to remind that this is an advisory section, dont use it to tell ppl off. whatever thats been done has been done, come up with things that wud help the situation...

brother, may Allah protect you and guide you ameen

ma3salam

#8 -tawakkul-

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 02:02 AM

whoops! well to be honest he's lucky were only jus telling him off....imagine what the girl would do once she finds out! anyways im outa here...:)

#9 unknown

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 02:23 AM

The question is, is telling someone off for their wrong doing a bad idea? Yes the advisory section should be used for giving advice, but telling another person off isnt such a bad idea in my opinion because it shows how serious a persons action is.

#10 Guest_Anya_*

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 07:14 AM

Yea I agree with the other sisters, that was one horrid stunt to pull off.

One: It is none of your business to put your nose in her affairs.

Two: This is worse than black mailing someone. Not only did you not talk to her, or warn her or advise her, you simply went out and ruined her relations with her friends and her family. At least, when you black mail someone, you threaten them first and give them an ultimatum. Truly, your behavior was one of that who is a coward.

You couldn't tell her about her wrong actions to her face and then you couldn't even tell her parents about it, instead you took a diversion and the easier way out so that YOU wouldn't be held responsible for it.

This wasn't about helping her out. It was about your own satisfaction. You were too blind with rage and jealousy to see that your 'advisory' actions would have had a complete opposite results.

I suggest you go and apologize to her face to face. I doubt this will ameliorate your friendship with her or would even make her more happier, and joyful but at least you will have the pleasure of not having a guilty conscience. Besides isn't there a rule or islamic something or another that says, Allah does not forgive until the person's whom you have done the crime to forgives you.

To be honest, I doubt she will forgive you. You broke her trust, your relation with her but more importantly this had a ripple effect on her life. It would have been different if this was between you and her but unfortunately it isn't.

Your foolishness cost her. Not you.

Go apologize and whatever happens happens.. If she does not forgive, then let it go and repent for your sins.

#11 Guest_Anya_*

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 07:18 AM

Its not about telling them off. I don't think you can call it that, not in this thread at least.

Its about pointing out a different perspective, the victim's perspective and showing him the gravity of his actions, so that he doesn't do them again.

#12 Guest_adviser_*

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 07:31 AM

bro, firstly the way you wanted to get to know her was wrong, if you're interested in someone, you're not meant to be talking to them and freemixing with them, because this is one the first things that lead to worser sins. A better thing would've been if you talked to your families about wanting to get to know her under their supervision for marriage. Marriage is the only halal way to be in a relationship with a girl. It's not halal to get to know her in such a free way like how you described, although it seems since you havent confessed your feelings or gone further, so that's alright, repent sincerely and dont repeat the same mistake in the future.

secondly, if i was you, i wouldnt want to be with a girl like that who can get so brainwashed by a kafir guy and start doing bad things. seriously. who knows what other bad things they got up to that you dont know? i'd feel disgusted and totally get over my feelings and move on.

thirdly, the way you handled her situation with that guy was wrong as others have said... you should apologise for what you did.

and then i think you should move on, because i dont think she seems like a very suitable life partner, Allah knows best, but from the stuff you wrote, she doesnt seem like a good muslim like how you thought she was before... and she doesnt seem to be interested in you the way you are about her.

inshallah repent for your sins sincerely, and move on, dont repeat the same mistake again. Inshallah i hope Allah gives you someone better than her in the future. the girl u like now doesnt sound worth all the trouble you got yourself into.
please dont be offended by what i said, its just my honest opinions. Allah knows best.

best wishes, wasalam

#13 Umm Ibrahim

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 03:58 PM

:agree:

remove freemixing and you remove the problem

the feelings that you retain for this person are inappropriate since you are not approaching her father to ask her hand in marriage. Make dua to Allah (swt) that He removes these sentiments in your heart.

as everyone has said, it is upon a muslim to hide another muslim's sin.

however, i disagree about this particular situation. without doubt what you did was wrong, simply for the reason you did it: your intention was one of jealousy for a woman you had no right over (ie she was not your wife, your sister, your daughter, or your mother).

when a muslim commits a fahasha in PUBLIC, in front of everyone, they have exposed, by themselves, this sin. we know from the example of zina, that four witnesses are required. no where are we discouraged, if we witnessed this open transgression, are we advised not to be a witness for fear of exposing another muslim's sin. instead, it is more important that the transgression be stopped and those who participated in it openly be repentant and be punished.

by engaging in those acts publicly, by displaying those pictures in a public manner, the sister has exposed her sins herself. whose responsibility is it to correct her? her wali. and if he does not know of these acts and did not see these pictures, how will he know to correct her? it is his flock, and he has the right to protect the honor of his family (within the means prescribed by islam), and you would feel the same for your daughter if you had one. you would want to know if your daughter was doing these things, thus even though for YOU (advice seeker) this was a wrong action, it may not be a wrong action for someone else who wishes for their brother or sister what they wish for themselves.

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 05:07 PM

 Umm Ibrahim, on Oct 3 2009, 02:58 PM, said:

:agree:

you would want to know if your daughter was doing these things, thus even though for YOU (advice seeker) this was a wrong action, it may not be a wrong action for someone else who wishes for their brother or sister what they wish for themselves.


can someone help clarify this part of the statement from the previous post?

thanks.

#15 Umm Ibrahim

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Posted 03 October 2009 - 08:58 PM

 Guest, on Oct 3 2009, 12:07 PM, said:

 Umm Ibrahim, on Oct 3 2009, 02:58 PM, said:

:agree:

you would want to know if your daughter was doing these things, thus even though for YOU (advice seeker) this was a wrong action, it may not be a wrong action for someone else who wishes for their brother or sister what they wish for themselves.


can someone help clarify this part of the statement from the previous post?

thanks.

i apologise for the vagueness. i was just hinting that there was a proper way to go about correcting someone's misconduct (firstly through private advice, and secondly (if the former did not work) by informing her guardian) but that you were in the position to do neither as she is not mahrem to you. rather, if her sisters in islam had advised her not to engage in this behaviour, and she still insisted, then it would have been permissible for them, not you, to approach the parents.




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