[CorruptLeader]

dailybasis28, on Jan 20 2010, 11:50 PM, said:

Did you get my post Transition, you there?

aslamailaykum, Yes I did. I'm so sorry I haven't updated.
I've been thinking, but I don't want to say my thoughts yet... I meant to meet up some sister and bring your situation into discussion. I don't want my interpretation to be completely off. Who else can explain your female friend's behavior that sisters.

I'll get back to you as soon I can,

InshaAllah today!

[CorruptLeader]

dailybasis28, on Jan 15 2010, 09:31 PM, said:

Salaam Transition

Thanks for keeping up with this. I appreciate you taking time to respond to this thread. You brought up some good points in your last response so I want to touch up on them and address them. This whole situation is very tough to tackle. It is evident that she is having some problems in her life (don't know what it could be). At that, she gave me some nasty gestures and facial expressions, which was unexpected of her. Many people including myself said she is one of the friendliest people they have ever met.

It dates back to July 2009 when I bumped into her and her mother. As soon as she saw me, she turned grim, said hey very sternly, and then stormed out of the grocery store. I was quite embarrassed. It's weird because Two weeks before that, she e-mailed me saying for us and a few friends to hang out.

I completely ignored her from that point on regarding the grocery store incident, and I saw her again during Ramadan in September. I said hello to her, and she saw me, gave me a quick hello, and completely walked away. I saw her again on Eid, and gave me a nasty hello. I tried calling her 2x after that day and texted her 2x during that time…no response. This was at the end of September and I have not contacted her ever since or made any attempts. So I am definitely not bugging her (which other people accused me of in other forums, pfft).

I talked to a few friends about this, and even they don't know what's up. She texted my friends on Eid (both Eids actually) and not me, so I know for a fact she is avoiding me.

I don't know how I may have caused her any fitna. I was simply a nice person to her and talked to her like a gentleman. However knowing girls, she probably did develop feelings for me and now she has gone melodramatic. A few people did tell me that she possibly had a crush on me. She always used to talk to me extra friendly and write really long letters. I never thought it was that and she was just really friendly. For the longest time, I tried hard thinking what could I have possibly done to her, but I couldn't think of anything. I figured if I did anything, she could have (and possibly would have) came and told me. If someone did spread a rumor about me, I don't think she would believe it and let it bother her. She definitely would have confronted me about that.

Do you still think it's "friendliness"?
You have a lot to learn about females and the desire for the opposite sex, if that's the case. Islamically, you can't be friends with opposite sex, akhi!
Perhaps, your definition of friendship allows females can be extra friendly...but that's irrelevant. Friendship is an arbitrary thing. We adhere to the social ways Allah (swt) has created for us. We are brothers and sisters to each other. We don't free-mix because in the ranking of desires, the desire of the opposite sex is the highest. We satisfy those desires by free-mixing, flirting, that second glance, intimate bonding like sharing our lives with the other person through extra long letters.
Females don't write males extra long letters and talk extra-friendly.....

Perhaps, she doesn't have religious motives to deal with her feelings. But it is most certain, she does not want to have those feelings for you.

Quote

This whole situation triggers me for a few reasons. The way she acted with me, it makes me wonder why she would act that way? I'm also afraid that maybe I did something and she will not forgive me (if I did something I wish she can tell me so I can say sorry). However, I don't think I did do anything and she is just having issues. I have laid off and not get in touch with her for the longest time, simply because I feel it might make things worse. I figured when girls are having personal problems, its best to just keep your distance which is what I have done.

Technically, she has avoided me for 7 months going. I have not talked to her or got in touch for the last 4 months. Like you said, she is probably having personal issues and I am just a part of it, and not the whole problem. A few friends of mine told me she quit Facebook, and just had a nasty tone with them as she talked. Nobody knows what's wrong?

This situation is tough because me and this girl have only a few mutual friends, so I cant ever figure out what she is up to. Also she is tough to get a hold of because she rarely picks up her phone. If confrontation is going to take place, I think it can escalate to this level if I keep bugging her or try to get in touch with her many times. But like I said, I have virtually laid off for the longest time.

I thought about writing an email to her asking her what happened and what is going on. It has been 7 months, so why not? Of course I would be sincere in telling her this. I was also going to address if I did anything, I want to correct myself and apologize. So the question is to write this letter or not write this letter?

If I were to write this letter, I was going to just leave it at that and not look back at her or anything. I figure if she comes around then she will comes around. However, a good thing of writing this letter is that I put myself out and let her know how I feel and clear myself up. If she does not respond then it would just be her fault since I have done my part and the most I could do (and does not want to talk me...if ever, haha). Otherwise I just don't think its worth it after that and I wouldn't push it. If I did more than that, than it could cause confrontation like you said. If I am going to write this letter, when should I go about doing it? It has been 7 months. Besides if I write this letter, I don't think it would hurt to do so because if she comes around and start talking to me again, then obviously I would ask her what happened and she knows that as well as I do that I would not keep quiet about. We aren't going to sit here and act like nothing happened.

I don't know if sending this letter to her would do anything because I am afraid I might make matters worse. That's the dilemma here. But I wonder how it can make things worse?

I think what I will do is have a few of those mutual friends maybe try to talk to her and see what is up because obviously she does not want to talk to me. Possibly they can address like what is wrong? This will be tough to do since this girl is busy and tough to get a hold of. I might have to wait on this and be patient. Based on this, I might just go ahead and write a letter (or not) to her to let her know whats up when they get in touch with her.

I can definitely talk to her and confront her with clear intentions because I feel like I was not any trouble to her in the first place. My heart was always pure and I will have my feelings in check because that is how it was with her to begin with. I don't think I have to change up anything here. I was also civil and in control when I was around her, so this wont be an issue as far as addressing in a certain way. As far as my distance, it was pretty distant. I have never seen her many times on a daily basis.

What are your thoughts on everything I said in this post. Keep me posted and thanks for help…

The opposite sex is always a fitna especially when you put the two in a free-mixing environment whether you think so or not. It's like putting two magnets near each other. Those desires we have for the opposite sex is innate. Something so natural, sometimes we don't even realize we're doing something for the sake of satisfying those desires. Free-mixing is a way to succumb to those desires.

Akhi, you went to lunch with her, listened to her, not only in real life but through long letters... Sure, it wasn't daily basis, but the desire for the opposite is STRONG. a couple of encounters and you can be in love.


Akhi, ask yourself this,.... was your heart always pure when you free-mixed with this female when you knew it was wrong. You think just because you didn't openly seek her feelings, it was alright. But it isn't. To avoid free-mixing is a preventative method so the fondness doesn't grow....withoutthe soil AKA marriage to keep it healthy and halal. Sure, you weren't being a cougar and just a friendly guy... but friendliness is a no no... either. I know brothers who are hesitant to help the opposite sex out with a heavy box, just so they might put themselves in a position that might turn into free-mixing.
Feelings for the opposite sex are so natural and so strong. THEY WILL DEVELOP.
Feelings is a really sensitive topic and I'm trying to do my best saying this in a nice way, but akhi, don't be in denial about your own feelings. Don't get caught up in your own feelings that you'll compromise your faith.

It always starts out small. You meet a brother or sister, maybe you had only pure intentions then...but the dynamics change if you let the relationship grow.. out of hand. Feelings just explode so quickly and easily...
I mean if you ask anyone in a not-so-halaal relationship....i'm pretty sure it started it out okay and small. but they were unable to control their feelings.

I mean you need to be on the defensive because you're always risking fitna just by excessively helping a sister out/
I don't think you realize your own feelings perhaps. You only see one issue, and that's how you may have hurt this girl. But akhi, you are missing A WHOLE ANOTHER THING.... You're so adamant about this female, but most of 7cgen see very clearly how your own feelings could worsen your situation. It's just so strong and your own heart may overpower you.

This is a very good lecture on females and males.... I hope you may benefit from this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7rAp5OHQGQ...feature=related

My advice is the same as before. Wait until she's cleared up her life. WHILE YOU ARE OF COURSE TRAINING YOURSELF TO AVOID FREE-MIXING AND UNDERSTANDING THE DANGERS OF FREE-MIXING. please do akhi, that's only when you can truly control yourself in all aspects because you are in denial of your loss of control if you do not recognize you let yourself free mix for this female. When you truly realize your purpose in life is serving Allah (swt).

Trust me, feelings will always be coming. Females will always be acting weird... when you free mix, feelings and behaviors will always be tricky because when you free mix you play with fire... there's no concrete healthy relationship between the female and male... as the two will be slaves of their desires.
..... But you need to concentrate on your faith. THAT IS THE NUMBER 1 PRIORITY.

[CorruptLeader]

Remember to only ask if you did anything wrong that you can correct or apologize for. Apologize for it, but in the end, be clear what your future plans are.... they do not include free-mixing with her! If everything is cleared up, it doesn't mean you two can be friends like you were before, akhi!

Females and males after mingling with the opposite sex can get very melodramatic , as you mentioned before, for reasons you can do nothing about.
It wouldn't be the first time a female used a silly reason to evade the true reason, like *cough* they can't handle their feelings for the opposite sex.
Or worse, what if she is upset because she is jealous of someone you were talking to.
What if she is upset because you didn't reciprocate the same feelings she had for you. .
If she is upset at you because she developed feelings for you. There is nothing you can do or be upset about. You must move on.
If it comes to the point where she was just being melodramatic and doesn't hate you at all, and happens to make it clear when you contact her again that she likes you very dearly, akhi, you're going to have to avoid taking her up on those feelings!

No matter what happens, you cannot free mix with this young female again. even if she is still upset or still likes you.

[CorruptLeader]

Yes akhi! that's the right attitude.
I'm glad you benefited! Did you listen to the lecture? Was if beneficial? I just wanted your opinion if I should continue recommending it?

that's what the Ummah is for. One Ummah. One People. . It's our job to help you!

Keep steadfast akhi. May Allah Guide Us, ameen!

[CorruptLeader]

dailybasis28, on Jan 23 2010, 06:01 PM, said:

Thank you so much Sr. Transition. I have to admit this was all very well put. I could not have put it better myself. Alhumdilliah. And thank you for taking the time to respond, it seems like you really went out of your way to do so. You said that you even talked to another sister about this, which shows that you are really trying to help out. Thank you again!

From all this, it is not about me wanting to be friends with her again, or trying to fix things. I was just curious the whole time why this kind of stuff happens. During this situation, I actually did learn that free-mixing with women is sinful...THE HARD WAY. Based on this situation, I actually did make a decision that I would not hang out or mingle with the opposite sex ever again...let alone this girl. Personally it seems hard for me to be friends with this girl after what has gone down.

The way I look at this situation, maybe it was an act of Allah to teach me a lesson. I sure did learn something.

I also learned that I cannot sit here and think what could have happened or why she is acting that way. It is probably something weird or somethign I would not unnderstand if she ever comes out and tells me. So I guess I just let it be.

I would probably give it another several months before I even contact this girl. However if I ever do contact her, it will only be for an apology incase I did something. If she responds, great. If not, then I simply did my part. Either way, I am probably through with this girl or any girl for that matter.

That is so important. Akhi, you'll realize the silliness of people sometimes! It's best to stick to your priorities and worry less about people, unless it benefits them or you in faith.

[CorruptLeader]

Walaikum aslam,

InshaAllah.
May Allah Keep You Steadfast upon the Straight Path. ameen!
That's good that you have a brother to help you. A good start.

[neelu]

Brother,

Your situation sounds very similar to something that happened to my sister at uni and I'm wondering if there may be some parallels. At the time, my sister was sharing a flat with two other Muslim girls from the same uni who liked to go out clubbing and partying. My sister isn't practising, but she's not into that partying rubbish either. Anyway, one of the girls had a boyfriend and a couple of times, one or two male friends of that boyfriend used to pop round with him just to chat and hang out etc. One of the male friends in particular, who I'll only refer to as Q, is a Muslim guy who's quite jokey and light hearted, so when he tried joking with my sister, the flatmates suggested that he had a crush on her, which she never took seriously.

The next thing she knew, my sister began to hear rumours around the university that people said she was sleeping with Q. She never even had any interest in him at all so she was shocked. She assumed that he got the wrong idea about her (that her lack of response was just shyness or something) and thought that Q spread the rumour out of vengence because she wasn't attracted by him. As you can imagine, since then, she was very cold and hostile towards Q and stayed away from that whole crowd altogether, which was difficult as the girls were still her flatmates. As if this weren't bad enough, the girls became annoyed that she wouldn't go out anywhere with them anymore and started harrassing her in other ways (whist being nice to her face); they made prank phone calls in the middle of the night till eventually she called the police and the police traced the calls to them- that's when she realised what they were really like but it took months for her to realise their true colours. At the time, she hadn't realised the extent to which they'd been turning against her but some months later, she found out that it was those girls and the boyfriend who'd spread the rumour about Q and actually it wasn't his fault at all. The bottom line is that those two girls were jealous and insecure, so that manifested itself in this sort of nasty behaviour. Once the police were called and my sister finally finished her studies, she was able to move out and put that all behind her alhamdullilah and hasn't seen or heard from them since.

I could maybe completely have the wrong end of the stick here, but when you mentioned a rumour that this girl had a crush on you and has since been keeping her distance and being unfriendly, I think the rumours have led to some form of harassment and she either feels you're responsible for the rumours, or that the problems will get worse if anyone sees any sign of even polite interaction between the two of you- even though none of this is your fault and you didn't necessarily do anything to trouble her.