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Husband watchin things :( - 7th Century Generation

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Husband watchin things :(


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#1 Guest_Hurt_*

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 10:16 AM

Salam! I hope all is well?!

I just recently got married, about 3-4 months ago... And i love my husband to death! Hes done so much for me, and i do my best to be the best for him bc he deserves it and so much more wallah!
Anywhoo ,last month i decided to travel to go by my parents for a couple of weeks, just bc my husband is very busy in the summer with his job and all...
When i came back , i was on my laptop, and i was going to search something in the search bar, and all of a sudden a list of previous searches popped up, and there were very bad searches written :( i was reallyyyy really suprised! So i went to the history and saw that he was also watching things on youtube that was really disturbing to me :( im really hurt bc i feel like i am not satisfying his needs :( is therr something wrong with me?! Am i doing sonething wrong?!? I dont know if i should confront him about it, but i think i should bc i cant seem to look at him like i used to :( i would love some words of adviceee... Jazaku Allahu khair!!!

#2 Guest_Wafa_*

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 02:52 PM

Just because your husband is watching porn does not mean that you are not satisfying him. That's a common assumption by women. It could simply be that he was bored while you were away or that he was fantasizing or even more so that it is a habit of his long before you even came into his life.

You do know there are married women who also watch porn? It is usually just to vicariously experience other things that a person may be embarrassed to ask their partners to do. But regardless, you shouldn't feel as if you are being cheated. He has a real woman with him. He would obviously choose you over some video.

You should confront him though because it is a bad habit.

Edited by Wafa, 08 August 2011 - 02:57 PM.


#3 Salaam

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed

#4 Guest_Wafa_*

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 09:45 PM

View PostSalaam, on 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed


Seriously? Could you be more thick?

The woman has been married for a handful of months and already she must be the cause of her husband's ruined sex life.

Look girl, I cant tell you how common, practical every day thing it is for people to watch porn. Its like playing a game for some people. Its so common that not watching porn is abnormal. Most guys have been doing it since they hit puberty. I would have assumed you would have already known this but your reaction says otherwise. So regardless of what the above poster said, you must not blame yourself. Hell you cant even come in and say, "Oh well you guys have been married for a long time and things are getting a bit boring now in the bedroom so that's the problem!" Dude you just got married and now you are settling into your new home. There hasnt even been enough time given for any party to come in and cause problems in the bedroom. The most reasonable explanation is that this has been going on before you were even in the picture.

Edited by Wafa, 08 August 2011 - 09:46 PM.


#5 Guest_Wafa_*

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 09:46 PM

.

Edited by Wafa, 08 August 2011 - 09:46 PM.


#6 Al Muhajir

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 10:33 PM

Wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullah,

If you doing something wrong was the problem, then your husband would most likely seek an extra marital affair to make up for what might be lacking and not resorting to viewing porn. I would suggest you watch him for some time and see if he still views porn while you are around. If he doesnt and only seemed to do that when you were away, then thats not too much of a problem as he might have only done that to kill his urge while you were away, though this isnt actually good because it can lead to addiction and more over it pays to be able to control your nafs and fight off the desire to indulge in certain stuff.

That said, if he still watches porn while you are around, then its likely he's addicted to it and has been doing it long before he met you as most people pick up this habbit in heir early teens. Porn addiction is a very bad and dangerous habbit, it can cause serious problems between partners, and even lead to the destruction of a marriage, in my own opinion it could even be more dangerous than a husband having extra marital affairs. Porn addiction starts off with the normal soft porn and all, then as time goes, just like it is with drug addictions, the addict would start looking for harder stuff because the normal ones no longer do it for him/her. when the addiction gets serious, a normal healthy sexual relationship would no longer be sufficient, as he would have become desensitised to it. Porn addiction re wires the brain and makes the addict see every woman as nothing but a sex object, so having a normal healthy relationship with a woman would be impossible.

If your husband has a porn addiction, do not attack him and condemn him for it, but try to help him get over it. Porn addiction is as serious if not worse than certain drug addiction, especially for someone who lives in a society where sex is advertised everywhere, and displayed openely in public. Your husband definitely knows what he's doing is wrong Islamically, so he should be willing to kick the habbit if he has it.



#7 Salaam

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Posted 08 August 2011 - 10:49 PM

View PostWafa, on 08 August 2011 - 09:45 PM, said:

View PostSalaam, on 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed


Seriously? Could you be more thick?

The woman has been married for a handful of months and already she must be the cause of her husband's ruined sex life.

Look girl, I cant tell you how common, practical every day thing it is for people to watch porn. Its like playing a game for some people. Its so common that not watching porn is abnormal. Most guys have been doing it since they hit puberty. I would have assumed you would have already known this but your reaction says otherwise. So regardless of what the above poster said, you must not blame yourself. Hell you cant even come in and say, "Oh well you guys have been married for a long time and things are getting a bit boring now in the bedroom so that's the problem!" Dude you just got married and now you are settling into your new home. There hasnt even been enough time given for any party to come in and cause problems in the bedroom. The most reasonable explanation is that this has been going on before you were even in the picture.



nobody cares about your kufr feminist views

it is better you keep your posts to yourself in these kind of issues, i dont care what your reason to post is but overal your psot will be mroe damaging as your posts will be based on your new views not islam, and i dont want the guest to be influenced by this

#8 Abu Hafsa

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 02:50 AM

View PostSalaam, on 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed


Which hadith is that exactly?

#9 Saqr

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 03:48 AM

A while back I was actually an analyst looking into social issues, and one of them was porn...

To be very honest, the reality of porn isn't purely about seeking a please outside marriage, but rather, it is a mental-physical addiction very similar to drugs. Sure, it stimulates the sexual organs and conveys itself through sexual messages and what not, but the reality itself is that it is a drug that gets you a high. And as Al Muhajir said, it gets worse as the addiction continues....but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your relationship. So it being a drug is - with my understanding - the reality, and you're best to find an Islamic solution.

Edited by Saqr, 09 August 2011 - 03:51 AM.


#10 Guest_Hurt_*

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 10:20 AM

Okay maybe it was something hes done long before i came into his life, but how do i confront him?!?!
Ummm no i dont think its my fault, and im sure islam doesnt aay that its a womans fault im just gonna ignore that ....

#11 Al Muhajir

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 11:46 PM

View PostHurt, on 09 August 2011 - 10:20 AM, said:

Okay maybe it was something hes done long before i came into his life, but how do i confront him?!?!
Ummm no i dont think its my fault, and im sure islam doesnt aay that its a womans fault im just gonna ignore that ....


I believe sisters who are married would be in a better position to give you advice on how to go about that inshaAllah.

#12 Guest_guest_*

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 05:09 AM

View PostHurt, on 09 August 2011 - 10:20 AM, said:

Okay maybe it was something hes done long before i came into his life, but how do i confront him?!?!
Ummm no i dont think its my fault, and im sure islam doesnt aay that its a womans fault im just gonna ignore that ....



Who says he is an addict or did this before marriage? We can't assume he did it before marriage. There's no proof for it. So don't assume the worst.

#13 Guest_Hurt_*

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 08:14 AM

No im almost sure he did this before we got married, and i didnt figure that out till recently..... I really need advoce on how to confront him... Im so scared!

#14 Guest_Fear Allah_*

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 10:21 PM

View PostSalaam, on 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed



Akhi fear Allah before making comments like this. What hadiths says its the womens fault and how did you come to the conclusion that the chances are its the wifes fault here? It's comments like these that push people from Islam or make individuals feel bad or that they did something when its not. I don't get how you came to the conclusion that a husband allegedly watching porn is somehow the fault of the women because a hadith allegedly says it, fear Allah and don't make uneducated comments like this or make your own tafsirs, they can have repercussions that can bite you on qiyamah.

#15 ghazala

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Posted 11 August 2011 - 12:49 AM

View PostFear Allah, on 10 August 2011 - 10:21 PM, said:

View PostSalaam, on 08 August 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

the ahdith says chances are its the womens fault, so analyse your situation, and see if you did something to make him do so, if no then he is to be fully blamed



Akhi fear Allah before making comments like this. What hadiths says its the womens fault and how did you come to the conclusion that the chances are its the wifes fault here? It's comments like these that push people from Islam or make individuals feel bad or that they did something when its not. I don't get how you came to the conclusion that a husband allegedly watching porn is somehow the fault of the women because a hadith allegedly says it, fear Allah and don't make uneducated comments like this or make your own tafsirs, they can have repercussions that can bite you on qiyamah.


indeed very true ... ^

can u please post that hadith .... bro.salaam...

Posted Image

my dear sweet princess in islam,

hope ur doing fine and ur Ramadan is going on smooth ameen.

sis inshaAllah i will try my level best to look into this topic and give u some suggestion coz my knowledge in this area is really limited and i dont really exactly know what is that .... just sometimes read that porn are bad and according to ISLAM we are not suppose to watch them ... and small articals .... thats it ...

as the above brothers tell that people get desensitize with the addiction to watch that ... means that there guilt from inside has been dead ... so probably we will have to first invoke the inner conciseness of the bro ... or see if he is at least having that realization of guilt .... inshaAllah

point 2 here is the bros above also tell that its like a drug .... so may be we will have to give him some doses for it .... always we must start with small dose and then increase it slowly ..... so inshaAllah i will check over it .....

now if we consider these 2 points together then that means we are suppose to make him here to something which is similar to ur situation at the moment .... so that we see how he reacts ... if he is guilty most probably he will just ask u to leave the topic and let the once who are dealing with this problem deal it .... coz he is ashamed at his act .... Allahu alim or else if he is giving some suggestions then its good ... u can work on them ... inshaAllah ....

so now have some sabr in u sis inshaAllah !!! if this has come infront of u surly u can deal with this situation ... coz Allah dosent burden the soul more then it can bare and ur the bros wife act in a very gentle and caring way and be more loveable to him .... coz what can be thought thru love cant be thought from anger ..... but sometime even anger does play a part .... but must be used at the last stage inshaAllah ....

when i initially was reading ur post ... one thing dint get thru my mind .... y did u tell that he is very good and u feel that he deserve more or something like that sis ..... ????? can u please answer me that question .... what things of his made u feel that u are not that good ?

A person can always change.Every righteous person has a past & every sinner has a future, so dont judge people in rush !"The only person u need to compare urself to is who u have been & the only person u need to be better than is who u are now.. Hate the SIN not the SINNER.

May Allah help u and easy ur pain ameen

and may this be on the whole ummah ameen

with just some concern,
Abd Allah,
Ghazala (A sis from ummah).

Edited by ghazala, 11 August 2011 - 01:31 AM.





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