Husband watchin things :(
Posted 11 August 2011 - 03:36 AM
As the brother above said, it's much like an addiction: One theory states- from "
Internet Porn Addiction: Does It Ruin Men For Real-Life Sex?
"[S]cientists speculate that a dopamine-oxytocin combo is released in the brain during orgasm, acting as a "biochemical love potion," as behavioral therapist Andrea Kuszewski calls it. It's the reason after having sex with someone, you're probably more inclined to form an emotional attachment. But you don't have to actually have sex in order to get those neurotransmitters firing. When you watch porn, "you're bonding with it," Kuszewski says. "And those chemicals make you want to keep coming back to have that feeling." Which allows men not only to get off on porn but to potentially develop a neurological attachment to it. They can, in essence, date porn.
Read more: http://healthland.ti.../#ixzz1UgPR9nlM"
this of course is just one theory on its effects, and as you know there's always ongoing research in science (-.-) and in this case, oxytocin.
Here's a video with basic info: http://www.purifyyou...n-in-the-masjid
The site has a program to help people with the issue. but currently you have to be on the waiting list. http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/ ( I just saw realized the waiting list, sorry!) It wouldn't hurt though getting on the waiting list. I will ask around if there are any new/open programs that could help you.
Posted 11 August 2011 - 08:55 AM
Akhi fear Allah before making comments like this. What hadiths says its the womens fault and how did you come to the conclusion that the chances are its the wifes fault here? It's comments like these that push people from Islam or make individuals feel bad or that they did something when its not. I don't get how you came to the conclusion that a husband allegedly watching porn is somehow the fault of the women because a hadith allegedly says it, fear Allah and don't make uneducated comments like this or make your own tafsirs, they can have repercussions that can bite you on qiyamah.
indeed very true ... ^
can u please post that hadith .... bro.salaam...
my dear sweet princess in islam,
hope ur doing fine and ur Ramadan is going on smooth ameen.
sis inshaAllah i will try my level best to look into this topic and give u some suggestion coz my knowledge in this area is really limited and i dont really exactly know what is that .... just sometimes read that porn are bad and according to ISLAM we are not suppose to watch them ... and small articals .... thats it ...
as the above brothers tell that people get desensitize with the addiction to watch that ... means that there guilt from inside has been dead ... so probably we will have to first invoke the inner conciseness of the bro ... or see if he is at least having that realization of guilt .... inshaAllah
point 2 here is the bros above also tell that its like a drug .... so may be we will have to give him some doses for it .... always we must start with small dose and then increase it slowly ..... so inshaAllah i will check over it .....
now if we consider these 2 points together then that means we are suppose to make him here to something which is similar to ur situation at the moment .... so that we see how he reacts ... if he is guilty most probably he will just ask u to leave the topic and let the once who are dealing with this problem deal it .... coz he is ashamed at his act .... Allahu alim or else if he is giving some suggestions then its good ... u can work on them ... inshaAllah ....
so now have some sabr in u sis inshaAllah !!! if this has come infront of u surly u can deal with this situation ... coz Allah dosent burden the soul more then it can bare and ur the bros wife act in a very gentle and caring way and be more loveable to him .... coz what can be thought thru love cant be thought from anger ..... but sometime even anger does play a part .... but must be used at the last stage inshaAllah ....
when i initially was reading ur post ... one thing dint get thru my mind .... y did u tell that he is very good and u feel that he deserve more or something like that sis ..... ????? can u please answer me that question .... what things of his made u feel that u are not that good ?
A person can always change.Every righteous person has a past & every sinner has a future, so dont judge people in rush !"The only person u need to compare urself to is who u have been & the only person u need to be better than is who u are now.. Hate the SIN not the SINNER.
May Allah help u and easy ur pain ameen
and may this be on the whole ummah ameen
with just some concern,
Ghazala (A sis from ummah).
sis im sorry forgive me ... i dont know .... this is a complicated topic .... Astagfirullah .... so many different terms related to it .... but inshaAllah i will try my level best ... but cant really tell if i can get the answer or not .....
im sorry for the above dose thing .... i dint mean to make any fun ... im really sorry ....
but inshaAllah !!! we will surly find a way .... dont worry sis ... its not coz of u probably its something related to cycology .... and sometimes can also be a disorder ... and some high desires ....
till now all i came to know is that this can only be over come by strong will powerness to leave it for the sake of Allah ... this condition can only be changed by the person it self untill and unless s/he dosent want to change there conditions no one can help ....
May Allah help those mass amount of people who are sinning coz of shaitan and there own nafs .... ameen
and may Allah give then strong will power to change there noobish conditions ameen
may this all be on the ummah ameen
Posted 11 August 2011 - 10:09 AM
"hate the sin not the sinner" that made me think a lot! Bc the shaytan is always up in everyonnes even if the person is an angel, so just bc he does one bad sin doesnt meann we shoild hate them and doesnt change the person into a devil!!!
And sister, what i am trying to say is that , ever since we got married a few months ago , hes been treating me like Royalty! He gives me everything i want and more , and i feel he is soo patient with me being that i am about 10 years younger than he is.... And i was shocked to see that bc i didnt expect it from him!
Posted 12 August 2011 - 01:41 PM
Look this is the case when people usually have alot of desires in them and when they start watching this things they like get some kind of entertainment which is basically wrong coz this can easily lead to zina and this is no case where these people are watching someone do some thing ill stuff ... this is no less then zina ...
Pornographic pictures and movies are haram (prohibited).Muslims should not watch, sell or make such movies. The Prophet (peace andblessings be upon him) is reported to have said: 'The eyes commit adultery, thetongue commits adultery, the hands commit adultery, the feet commit adulteryand then the private parts confirm it or deny it.' (Reported by Ahmad IbnHanbal)
Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision andguard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquaintedwith what they do.(24:30)
this kind of practices has been practicing from the roman times .... Astagfirullah ....
the people who watch this kind of stuff do have a ill feeling towards there act but the thing is they dont stop and start making excuses later on that looks really nice to there eyes coz noob head shaitan will be somewhere near the person ... enjoying defeating the iman of the person ....
actually when they watch this kind of stuff there iman is like totally gone .... that means level 0 they become .... at there imaans ....
this things are usually watched by any age group people ... there is no age limit for it ... so its not like only the teens and puberty reached children watch it .... we must also be aware that these days on a click or a matter of searches a person can easily find this kind of vulger videos or some images ... Astagfirullah ...
this can also be the influce of the people around them ... coz they may tend the person to watch such filthy things ... the environment plays an important role in this also ....
well this is not exactly the case coz someone is wasting time on net they get this habit ... its sort of an addiction ... and when they watch these kind of filthy stuff they think they are being relaxed or something ....
usually teeanagers think that this is okay for them coz mass amount of ppl are doing also that they dont have a wife or someone or whatever they can do it .... or watch it astagfirullah to give a cold wind to there desires but this in turn make them more frustrated and they may lead the ways to even more devilish sin ...
where as the men who are away from wifes think that this is okay coz this is keeping them away from getting a girl and actually hurting the wife ... but the things is they dont realise that there iman is falling weak and any time they can act upon this situation ...
there are some men who think that there wife are enable to satisfy there needs thats y they are watching it ... but then the things is coz they see this kind of stuff they can never find pleasure in there wifes ... coz they have always wanted different womens .... to actually play for them .... in front of there eyes astagfirullah ...
there are other group of men who think that thats the best way to get rid of there desires ... but they are forgeting that they have already commited a zina of eyes .... and for sure will be holded to account ...
in fact womens are not much behind in watching such filthy things .... Astagfirullah ... there are a group of women who even what to watch such stuff and practise it astagfirullah ....
May Allah save the whole ummah ameen
now the thing is that this is actually a thing that shaintan is tempting and the nafs of this people are being captured ....
this can only be broken when they are made to realise that they have already commited the zina ...
and by making them realise that hell is not far from them ....
here is an ayat that can help the person realise that ....
O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps ofSatan. And whoever follows the footsteps of Satan - indeed, he enjoinsimmorality and wrongdoing. And if not for the favor of Allah upon you and Hismercy, not one of you would have been pure, ever, but Allah purifies whom Hewills, and Allah is Hearing and Knowing.(24:21)
so now ... in order to break the barrier of shaitan over the person as a wife all u can do is be more kind to him inshaAllah and have immense sabr ....
do not behave or act as if u know that u know that he is seeing such filthy stuff ...
for now be the best person that u can be to him ...
give him some halal torture ... the more loveable and kinder u are to him the more he will feel bad .... of seeing these things ...
try to dress ur self in a proper way and more modern way ... and be always presentable .. go kiss and hug him and praise him for every little that he does for you. Always wonder around him and make him feel your presence ...
"DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE"
look into his eyes and give him confidence that you will always be with him till you have breaths... and look with total confidence.
tell him that till he is not pleased u will be with him...
go ask him time to time if he needs something even if a glass of water ....
Add an routinee in your life where you talk to him about some issuess and stories of sahabas and RasoolAllah(saw) or at least an meaning of an ayah inshaAllah
sometimes include your problems and put it infront of him like a story of others ... Exchange views ...
Try to see who are his friends and ask him to invite them for a party (do cover yourself properly in parties)
And if they dont look to be islamic. Encourage him to go to masjid and make new friends InsahAllah !!!
Do pray your tahajjud if u can and offer your prayers on time. Be kind to him and his family.
And also be jolly good be an entertainment .. "ask him if there is some thing that he wants to change in him and u can help".
>>>make some charts with your hands of ayaths of quraan in english that can help his condition to change ... <<<<
>>>tell him stories of sahabas,hell fire and love of Allah<<<
Did u ever observe chess game, see the king just moves 1 step but the queen can protect him from all the steps ... in the same way see how around him you can change the environment and keep a calm and loveable atmosphere at home...
treat him like a kid and do not get annoyed inshaAllah
do this at least for some months say 2 and a half >>> then a sudden halal torture <<<
tell that you are going to your parents home and look into his eyes and tell that you know that he sees stuff and you forgive him! and this time you dont expect that he does the same ..and try to change himself and you will help him do this ... Ask him that do you want me to stay back or go? coz after all Allah and angels are watching him and this can lead him to hell fire and you in any case cant see him in that position ... coz he have already commited the adultery of eyes astagfirullah
and i think this is the best way you can try to change him inshaAllah !!!
make sure u teach him sleeping etiquette in those 2 months ...such as sleeping on right hand side and encourage him to be in wudu most of the time and recite ayatul kursi with ur mouth
and sleeping dua and all (make it a part of your life)
say bismillah! everytime you talk to him inshaAllah or in anything
make lots of dhikar in your free time or work time and make extensive dua inshaAllah
these are normal suggestions from my side other tyeps are below choose any way that u feel is continent for you inshaAllah
ALL THE BEST .. DO LET US KNOW IF IT WORKED OR NOT SO THAT OTHERS CAN TEAD AND TAKE HELP OF THAT TOO INSHALLAH !!!
be the most good person to his eyes inshaAllah and make him feel that he dosent deserve you
in jokes sometimes just tell him ... are you hiding something or do you want to tell something ... like that inshaAllah
make him fee he is the best and then tell .. i know you wont wrong yourself and others around u ... coz he knows Allah and angels are watching this include in 2months program
other suggestions :
Firstly: do not feel too shy to speak to your husband andadvise him about these matters, because speaking to him may be more beneficialand make it easier to find a solution. Exhort him and speak to him in aneffective manner such as will reach his heart; remind him of the punishment andwrath of Allaah; scare him with the torment of Hell; remind him of the trustand the responsibility he has towards his wife and children, (as in thehadeeth): “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for hisflock; the man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for thoseunder his care.”
One of his rights over you is that you should tell him thatwhat he is doing to you is a sin, and that watching these filthy movies iskeeping him away from Allaah and from remembering Him. Perhaps he will relentand pay heed to your words. Keep repeating that to him, with wisdom and payingattention to what is in your best interests. If he does not respond, then seekthe help of someone who you think he will listen to, such as knowledgeable andrighteous people, relatives, friends or anyone who may have some influence overhim.
Try to get him to listen to some effective tapes ofkhutbahs, speeches and lessons, directly or indirectly, and give him someIslamic books, so that maybe his heart will be opened to the truth.
If none of this has any effect, then appoint an arbitratorfrom his family and an arbitrator from your family, who you think will be able,by their involvement, to improve the relationship between you and make him giveup the evil things he is involved in. These arbitrators should be righteouspeople, in accordance with the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning):
“If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and hiswife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers;if they both wish for peace, Allaah will cause their reconciliation. IndeedAllaah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things” [al-Nisaa’ 4:35]
If these two arbitrators wish for peace, then we ask Allaahto bring you back together in a good and proper manner and to reconcile youwith the best relationship there can be between a husband and wife.
If the arbitrators cannot achieve a complete reconciliation,then make the following offer to him, if you can be patient and put up with it:
Suggest that he marry another wife, and let you stay withhim without any rights as far as the intimate relationship is concerned, on thecondition that he gives up his sin and you stay with your children and hespends on you. There is nothing wrong with that, because Allaah says(interpretation of the meaning):
“And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’spart, there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace betweenthemselves; and making peace is better” [al-Nisaa’ 4:128]
One of the meanings of making peace here is that she agreesto forego her right of having him stay with her overnight, in return for herstaying married to him.
‘Aa’ishah said: “When Sawdah bint Zam’ah grew old, she gaveher day to ‘Aa’ishah, so the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be uponhim) spent Sawdah’s day with her.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4914; Muslim,1463).
Sawdah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was one of the wivesof the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
If you do not reach an agreement with him, even something ofthis nature, and you cannot be patient and put up with it, then you should notthink about or suggest divorce except after being sure that that thedisadvantages of staying with this man outweigh the disadvantages of separatingfrom him. In this case, you should bear in mind the words of Allaah(interpretation of the meaning):
“But if they separate (by divorce), Allaah will provideabundance for everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allaah is EverAll-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Wise” [al-Nisaa’ 4:130]
In this difficult situation, you must turn to Allaah andseek His Help and ask for guidance to make the right decision. We remind youagain that it is your duty to remind and advise this man in all situations. MayAllaah protect you and take care of you.
other suggestion from a sis who is married :
Advice the wife to talk to him, to try to stop him doing these things and that he must take steps toward sincere repentance.
Sincere repentance consists of :
1. Turning away from the sin
2. Feeling remorse
3. Resolving to never go back
4. Changing one's environment so that the temptation is removed
Advise the wife to tell him to recite Quran, read Islamic articles. There are many Qur'anic verses and Prophetic traditions on repentance. Allah Most High, says, "Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.Turn ye to our Lord (in repentance) and bow to His (Will), before the Penalty comes on you: after that ye shall not be helped" (Az-Zumar, 39:53-54).
And the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, "Allah the Mighty and Majestic accepts the repentance of His servant as long as long as his death-rattle has not begun" [At-Tirmidhi, Riyad al-Salihin]
Cultivate good habits, and Allah willing, these will replace the bad ones. Establish a connection with the Book of Allah by reading it and reflecting on it daily. Contemplate the noble example of the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, and the biographies of his companions, Allah be pleased with them, to see how you can implement these life lessons.
And, his family to encourage him to mix good Muslim brothers. This is of huge importance in fortifying muslims against temptation.
May Allah Ta'ala make things easy for all muslim families (Ameen).
Some suggestions for youth :
>>>The youth have always been the indicator ofprogress or decline of every nation or people. The more they stick to thedictates of virtue and uprightness, the greater their nation will become. Themore they fall in the den of vice, the lower their nation will go. Thus, wehave the necessity for right and moral upbringing of the youth.
I advise all those young people to consider the value oftheir lives and stop wasting it in trivialities. They should bear in mind thatdeath may overtake them all of a sudden. All people are like prisoners in acell waiting for their execution. No one knows when, but they should preparethemselves for it. Almighty Allah says: "Every soul shall tastedeath." (Al `Imran: 185)"
The following working steps to fight porn addiction are forall, no matter their age:
Step One: Admit that you can't give up.
Admit that you are unable to get a grip on your consumptionof pornography. It is uncontrollable. Every time you turn on the internet, goto the video store, turn on the television, you cannot say NO to yourself. Youcannot NOT surf porn sites, or stop watching. You are no longer in control ofyour life.
Step Two: Admit that only Allah can get you out of this.
You know, after trying through so many ways to control youraddiction and subsequently failing, that only Allah can help you out of this.You may have known it before, but you are convinced of it now without a shadowof a doubt.
Step Three: Your life and death are all in Allah's control.
Decide to put your complete trust in Allah, Who is incontrol of all aspects of your life and your death, and to bring this problemto Him and seek His help first and foremost.
Step Four: Do a self-analysis.
Do an honest, sincere, but often painful self-evaluation ofyour good points, bad points, and analyze your addiction, trying to understandhow you reached this point.
Step Five: Make a specific repentance to Allah.
Admit to Allah and to yourself and to another trusted Muslim(if possible) exactly where you went wrong. Do not make a general request for repentance.Specifically list your mistakes and, in particular, your addiction topornography.
Step Six: Be open and ready to receive Allah's help tochange.
You know your sincere repentance must be followed by action.Be ready to do what is necessary to change, no matter how difficult or painful,even if it means not even watching television for the news or never surfing theInternet alone.
Step Seven: Ask for the removal of faults.
Ask Allah with sincerity, humility and regret to help younever repeat this action (looking at pornography) again and to help you avoidrepeating sins committed in the past.
Step Eight: Do a nightly self-evaluation.
Every night do an honest self-evaluation of your behaviorand be ready to admit your mistakes and thank Allah for the good you did thatday.
Step Nine: Make lots of du`a’ (supplication) and try toincrease your taqwa (fear of Allah).
Continue to pray five times a day, seeking closeness toAllah. Seek to be consciousness of Him wherever you are. Increase your relianceon Him to help you with this addiction to pornography and with all othermatters in your life.
Step Ten: Preach and practice.
Don’t just "move on" after Allah has blessed youto get out of this addiction. Help others you know with this problem throughregular contact and sincere advice, respecting the etiquette of enjoining thegood and forbidding the evil. By the grace of Allah, helping others will helpyou maintain control over your addiction, and you will help another Muslim oranother human being to get out of this destruction and misery.
>>> 'Those who guard their sexual organs exceptwith their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard tothem) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that aretransgressors.' (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)
>>>Perhaps, one has to be pre-emptive in thismatter. This can be done by keeping ourselves so occupied with other affairs oflife that we seldom get the time to surf the net for entertainment. One of thebest ways to avoid such vice is to become a strong proponent of virtue. If aperson makes it a point to disseminate whatever truth he can through his words– spoken or written – and through his deeds, it builds in him the innerstrength to combat evil. .A person should also try to cement his relationshipwith God by regularly reading the Qur'ān of course through a good translationand by offering optional prayers and keeping optional fasts. He should alsospend as much time as possible in the company of the pious. Another helpfulactivity is to participate in community service.
However, in spite of all this, whenever a person falters bybeing overwhelmed with emotions, he should try to come of it and askforgiveness from God. The Almighty has promised in the Qur'ān (4:17-18) that Hehas made it incumbent upon Himself to forgive people who immediately repentafter doing a sin whilst being overwhelmed with emotions. These are gladtidings for all of us. In other words, it is our attitude after indulging insin which matters the most. If we turn to God, He has promised forgiveness.Also a person can impose a penalty on himself self each time he falters; thispenalty could be giving an amount of money in the way of God or any otherthing.
Being a married man, you are lucky because there are manybachelors who do not have any means to satisfy their urge. These bachelors areoften faced with the same situation as you are.
May Allah help the whole ummah in overcoming there short comes ameen
May i be forgiven if anything i told was wrong ameen
May Allah keep the whole ummah save in his hands ameen
May whatever i told is just for the sake of Allah ameen
note: do not think that im perfect or anything coz im giving suggestions ... just pray that im always save in the hands of Allah ameen ... coz even i may or do have flaws ... Allah knows the best...
May Allah help u and grant ur duas which are in ur haq ameen
May Allah help those lots of ummah who wanna change ameen
ya Allah! you are the all knower and all seeing ... please help each one of ur slaves to perfect there imaan ameen and get most of us close to u coz ur the one who can grant us with knowledge and closeness to u ... ameen
with some concern and suggestions,
Ghazala(A sis from ummah).
Posted 14 August 2011 - 10:19 PM
Wafa and Ghazala, very nice replies.. JazaakAllahil Khair!
one is very mature and the other is very analytical. MashaAllah.
Hope these advices help sister hurt for the better. Ameen.
Dear Sister Hurt,
First of all, congratulations on your recent marriage, MashaAllah. Hope your first Ramadan with hubby is going great. InshaAllah. May Allah bless you both with the best in his treasures.
Secondly, congratulations again for having such a wonderful husband who treats you like a princess. Its indeed a gift from Allahu Subhanahu Taala. Do treasure it and thank Allah.
If you ask me, there is nothing to worry yet.
1. Your married life is a new begining for you as well as your husband. this is a time to explore your curiosity. Can it be that your husband was just trying to figure new ways of romantic exploration.
2. Have you considered that your Hubby was just missing you alot.. so.. he got a little creative.
3. His sin / Zina is between him and Allah, and Allah is the most forgiving and the best guide. Please pray for him as much as you can.
4. Do not try to judge him. It will only effect you negatively. Let the judging be done by Allah, the most merciful.
You are there for loving him, and if you can, cover his faults and help him overcome them. Deviate his attention towards you.. for you have been made halal for him.
5. Always remember! Shaitan is always trying to find his way between you both. Dont give him a chance. One of the first things he will do is attack the respect you have for each other. the moment you lose respect for him, its easy to stop loving him and start hating him. You may begin getting irritated by him and wanting to fight with him for every reason you can get. So watch out your own actions, be very careful.
6. Dont get caught by ur hubby browsing these sites while actually, u were just checking his digital footprints. He can also check history of the pages you visit. and Men are quick decision makers. He will not wait to consult forums and it will be worse if Shaitan will influence his thinking.
7. If its a habit, Allah forbid, then there is a deeper problem developing, so watch out!!
Since you are closest to him, Shaitan will slowly start introducing you in his fantasies performing actions like these women.
slowly, his intellectual difference between you and these women will start fading.
this is a sure shot way to of making him lose respect for you in the quickest time possible.
His romantic fantasies will slowly take sharp turns when he will see any other man looking at you or talking to you.. even a relative.
Thts where shaitan takes the steering wheel of the mind.
8. Be very careful sister, always try your best to maintain high respect for each other and try as much as possible to deviate him away from shaitaan, while you protect yourself from it too.. Pure love, Halal ways, some kindness and a lot of prayer to Allah, the most powerful, will surely help you out.
Enjoy your marriage ahead.. you are just getting started.. may Allah make this journey very very blissful and beautiful. Ameen.
May all praise be to Allah.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
Posted 30 August 2011 - 10:52 PM
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