21 replies to this topic

[ghazala]

Bismillah!

May Allah reward you for your beautiful patience sis subhanAllah! ameen
May Allah bless your first child with best of qualities,and may he turn to a handsome, pious and righteous individual ameen
May Allah bless your marriage and always keep you both happy , save ameen

Sis first of all i want to convey you Mabrook for the good newz that is gonna bring so many new happiness in your life inshaAllah alf Mabrook

I completely understand how you must be feeling sister but remember mistakes happen with only human beings. See try to understand that its not because of you being not good and all coz the bro(your husband) has told u that he loves you even though you asked him to have a second wife subhanAllah! and please do not blame yourself for what has happened ... look if this issue has come infront of your eyes that means may be it was a sign from Allah that you need to get conscious and protect your husband from fitnah ... inshaAllah do not loose your faith in yourself sis and at the mercy of who have created you ... Alhamdulillah

take good care of yourself inshaAllah please I insist becoz now your not alone breathing alhamdulillah there is another heartbeat beating along with your and that is your child alhamdulillah at this point in life you not only have to take care of yourself coz its you but becoz u have a life growing in you alhamdulillah and every mood that you have in this stage will effect the child ... please dont take this to heart . It just may be that your husband was trying to talk something else and the conversation changed to something complicated ... and the part that you might have read may be just a bit of it ... so please hold back yourself with grip do not scatter or shatter inshaAllah ... look go and talk to your husband with a clear mind ... dont make it look as though you wantedly ware spying or something ... tell him that you came across his conversation with a girl ... and you have no problem with it but then his sending kisses and such stuff is not good ... coz it may create fitnah ... and its not just good for him but also its like playing with a girls emotions too ... and hurting anyone's heart is not good at all ... specially when a new life is gonna come into your both life ... alhamdulillah

And then tell him that you have no objection with him having a second wife ... inshaAllah ... but ask him not to end him self in a bad situation that he may be just doing it for fun or for seeking attentions or concentration from someone who would be unknowingly falling into the trap of shaitanic plots astagfirullah ... May that not happen inshaAllah! hopefully you would get answered for the questions that are raising in your heart sis... and please do not talk to him in a disrespectful way or in annoyed or crying and all ... just try to keep the conversation cool ... coz he might be already in a stress that he is unable to find a job and may feel pressured if you try to keep the convo as an question and answer session with too many emotions adding to it crying anger guilt all together ... khayr i know it will not be easy on you may Allah give you sabr ameen ... inshaAllah things will go fine ... and also let him know how are you feeling for what you have read ... tell him how you felt ... starting from though you knew that its wrong to read his convo but by mistake you happened to read it and may be it was for his and your good that it happened alhamdulillah ... and tell all that you felt ... inshaAllah

please forgive me if something i have told you dint like inshaAllah

But may Allah help you ameen

and please take good care of your self and i appreciate the way you tried to express your stress,tension and pressure subhanAllah ... so simple and how you managed to cover your husbands fault subhanAllah sis may Allah bless you for the sabr you are showing at this point of life alhamdulillah

I would be happy if any of my advice help you sis love you for the sake of Allah please let us know if you need any more advices sis in sha Allah.

Marriage is like the weather, forever changing. Sometimes it is cloudy and rainy, life appears gloomy, then the sun appears and rays of happiness break through bringing joy. At times, one experiences rain, wind and sunshine all in one day. Such is life, and like the seasons, we go through different experiences. The secret is to remain devoted and steadfast to one’s Deen


Allahu Alim.

May Allah fill your life with happiness and joy ameen

with love respect and regard,
Abd Allah,
Ghazala ( a sis from ummah) .

Edited by ghazala, 17 January 2012 - 05:20 PM.

[Salaam]

may allah help you with your problem have you spoken to him about this

if not then try tone of the islamic marriage advice and talk to them theyd give you one to one advice help and support or even better talk to a scholar/imam of a local mosque

[FragileVessels]

Sister first of all Allah has created the religion of Islam as a religion of happiness. When Islam is followed properly, everybody involved is happy. This is also true for Islam within marriages. The reason you are having so much sadness in your relationship is because Islam is only one-sided in your relationship. The only way you both can be happily married together is if your partner becomes islamic and improves his deen.

I have identified a number of issues from the basic information you have provided. Forgive me if I misjudge you since obviously the full story cannot be understood by myself on a mere forum. Feel free to pm me or alternatively discuss at length with a good sheikh in your local area. The problem can be though is that men simply dont understand things the way women do. So i'll do my best here.

Firstly it seems that you have equated being a muslimah to being a doormat. That a muslim takes every injustice and hurt without responding. You are required to stop injustice whether it be towards another human or toward yourself. Therefore express your anger and your hurt and make your husband realise that he has been a horrible person. Make him realise that he has upset you. And that he as a muslim has a duty to be the best husband. And he has failed in your eyes and Allahs. It may be that he left that page up so that you could read it and he wanted to see your reaction. You can make him realise that he could get away with anything. If you dont show how angry and hurt he has made you things will degrade in future.

Second you have misinterpretted the concepts of marriages and second marriages in Islam. One of the primary reason behind the women wearing hijab, niqab and having segregation in a society is so that the marriage bonds can remain strong and so that men do not feel attracted to women other than their wives. If the bond between husband and wife weakens it spreads fitnah throughout the entire society.

What does this mean for second marriages? I completely agree with men marrying a second wife. BUT the way he is going about it COMPLETELY haram. The reason Allah has allowed second marriages is so that IF a man were to be attracted to a woman, the first thing he does is lower his gaze from her face and body, refrain from speaking to her etc and do proper research about her through her mahrams or his own female relations in order to marry her. Lusting over a woman is completely haram, he is allowed to marry so he must think in terms of marriage. What this means is that it immediately sets the perspective and this immediately makes him realise the great responsibily that comes with marriage - the result is usually that he is turned off from all attractions with another woman esp when he thinks of the financial, physical and emotional burdens.

Even if he ends up marrying a second wife, it is not going to make him a better muslim. He will probably just lust over another.

What you need to do is make him a better muslim. As his taqwa increases, his faith will increase, his truthworthyness will increase and his sexual appetite for haram outside marriage will decrease significantly.

Try this for a while. For a few months. If his iman does not increase after learning about concepts such as death, hellfire, heaven, day of judgement, the punishments that entail for committing haram and abdundance of sabr from your side...then consider divorce. Especially if you believe that your iman will decrease because of him. And dont worry about your child. Allah will take care of you. Consider if you really want a father like that for your child after the time period has passed. Allah will replace your husband with someone better.

In the meantime may allah reward you for your patience and may he forgive your sins, give you a pious child, an easy pregnancy and labour.

[UmmMaryam]

Wait sis Wafiyyah, dont jump to divorce before understanding the sister's husband's problem and please maintain some respect, the man is a muslim and he is still the sister's husband, please refrian from saying such things as disgusting man. This is not the adaab of a muslim and if the sister married him, logic says he must not be as bad as that.

Guest sister, if you are still following this thread. All your husband's shortcomings point to one character trait or correctly the lack of one character trait and that is haya (modesty).

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Every faith has an innate character. The character of Islam is modesty." - Al-Muwatta, Volume 47, Hadith 9

On the authority of Abu Mas`ud `Uqbah ibn `Amr al-Ansari al-Badri (may Allah be pleased with him) who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“Verily, from what was learnt by the people from the speech of the Earliest Prophecy is: If you feel no shame, then do as you wish." (Al-Bukhari)

In my lifetime from what I have seen, modesty as always been the character thats most innate to an individual. It is almost like either you have it or you dont, but it is achieveable but very difficult for those who dont have it. And the hadith above is true, a lot of the misconduct that occurs with opposite sex is because the restraint called shyness or modesty is just not present in some people, in which case, they really have no control and do as they please.

Dont answer on this thread, just think about my questions to you. When you met your husband before marriage, was he restraint, shy or was he relaxed and was able to talk to you freely? Throughout your marriage, when you see him interacting with opposite sex, was he matter or fact or more laid back. You will start to realise that the character trait is always with him. What does that mean? You can stop blaming yourself for your husband's actions and his lack of modesty because of supposed issues in your personal ife. He is his own person and you are you, and no one person will be made to bear the deeds of another. Haya comes with a greater sense of maturity and imaan, something you just cannot make a person have, they have to realise they need to be. What you can do is focus on your personal life with him. Is he a good guy, he is a practicing muslim? Then dont give up yet. As for the other sister, be mad at her all you want, really sisters should know better than to toy a brother on, again complete lack of modesty. Dont just hand her your husband on a silver platter though, take charge of your love life. Even if he is looking for second wife, this sister is NOT going to cut it, as she is being irrisponsible with your husband to begin with.

Secondly, he needs a job. He really does, nothing invites shaitan to a person quicker than boredom. And men are beings of action, they need to get out there, get things done and feel a sense of achievement. Thats what your husband really needs to do. Ofcourse for his family because he needs to support his family, he has to answer to Allah swt for that, and secondly, for his own sense of self dignity and ghair. If a man does not feel confident and dignified, he will stoop to lowly things. This is not an option for muslim men. Where the Sahabahs were governing vast lands and solving sociatal problems, he needs to know that getting a job/business something that will earn him livelihood and self sufficiance does not even count as benchmark, it is given. I have to say here that if he does not show interest in getting a job/ doing something to earn a livelihood, I would give up personally. Its not necessarily because of the money, but a more dangerous trait and that is complacency and avoiding responsibility. If you look at the commandments of Islam, most of them are based around being responsible. If he is not jumping this hurdle, you can be skeptical about how much he can take on as your family grows, and responsibilities DO keep growing, they dont stop at all.

Let me know by PM or here how things go. May Allah swt make your rectify your affairs and give you ease after your difficulties here.

[Abu Muhammad]

Forgive me, these visitor messages where still unapproved:

bambam2, on 21 January 2012 - 12:24 PM, said:

No its not wrong to have read his messages, truth hurts and its better to know about him and how he is.at an early stage than when it could have been worse at a later stage. It's easy to.heal small wounds than if it was to.get deep. If he confesses his mistakes.after.u confront.him than let it be and move.on. it can be hard to forget but always time is the best healer.

If he does get a job and changes for the better inshaAllah then let him be, don't suspect.or.doubt him cause chances are it would cause problems again especially if he really has sort.himself.out.

bambam, on 21 January 2012 - 12:15 PM, said:

The BIGGEST mistake youve done is by telling him he can marry a second wife; that's like accepting defeat on the battle field; why are you giving in to him and his "needs"? Truth is hes using those lines on those girls to get in with them if you know what I mean...

End of the day your doing your bit by being at his side trying to maintain the marriage, working hard to make a living alhamdulilah. At the same time don't take crap off anyone, you only live once so chin up and keep straight.

Make it clear to him that your not happy with this behaviour of his and it has to stop, otherwise hell lose your help, support love and most of all trust. Give him a warning, try.and get him to come to his senses.

Men have a hunger for "you know what"; dress up, beautify yourself, have the confidence to do so out of your choice and not just to please him.

Truth is he does love you, most men cheat only for that lustful satisfaction but they don't give a toss about the girls they cheat with but fool them with loving words and fake hope. They would always go back to their wives and love them, so its more or a temporary "fun" than an affair. Women however cheat because they're missing something from their husband but find that comfort in someone else who starts off as just a "listener"; hope it helps you.

upset, on 20 January 2012 - 12:00 PM, said:

Also why am I more upset with the sister than I am with my husband?

upset, on 20 January 2012 - 11:58 AM, said:

Salaam and Jazak'Allah for all the replies. This is driving me crazy and shaytaan has really got hold of my heart. I don't trust my husband any more, and I ended up reading the entire conversation. He told this sister that she makes his heart float and that he likes her a lot. She encouraged this and they basically spent an entire night online together while I was ill and in bed. I'm not angry just really hurt, and I know I have to make excuses for him, but I can't find an excuse for this.

Sister FragileVessels I agree with you on many points, but I really do not want to get divorced anymore. It was just a feeling out of anger. I want my husband to enter Jannah, and I want to be with him there, but I do sometimes feel like he thinks I have no feelings. How do I help him to become a better Muslim? And how do I make myself attractive to him so that he will not lust after other people as easily?

I had a miscarriage a few days ago, inna lillah wa inna ilayhi rajiun. He is visiting his parents abroad so I am alone and I have tried to speak to him, but he is always with his friends or busy. I have some great sister friends Alhamdulillah that I can speak to over the phone, but no one where I live as we just moved to a new city far away from anyone I know. I have been feeling so ill but getting up and going to work because it is better than sitting in the house alone all day and crying.

I am so afraid to tell him about what he did, but maybe I just need to find that confidence. I feel I have less points now because not only can I not satisfy him, I cannot give him children (there is a possibility I will never be able to have any).

I am really asking all of you who read this to please make a special dua for me. I have no one who I can talk to about this as I don't want people to know that we are going through tough times with our relationship, but Alhamdulillah people on here have been so supportive, may Allah swt reward you. I know it is selfish of me to ask, but please make a special dua for me after salaah.

[Salaam]

i dont think the sister made any mistake by saying he can have a second wife, this is the right allah has given the husaband, why the husabnds doing this fitnah allah knows best but inshallah may allah guide him

and naturally youd be mroe upset with the sister afterall your feeling is more going to be in the zone of shes trying to stea your husband even if the matter was opposite

[FragileVessels]

Sister it is very heartbreaking to hear of your loss. May allah give you sabr and may this child lead you by the umbilical cord on the day of judgement to Jannah.

UmmMaryam, on 22 January 2012 - 12:58 AM, said:

Wait sis Wafiyyah, dont jump to divorce before understanding the sister's husband's problem and please maintain some respect, the man is a muslim and he is still the sister's husband, please refrian from saying such things as disgusting man. This is not the adaab of a muslim and if the sister married him, logic says he must not be as bad as that.

Im sorry but I find it very difficult to respect someone who hurts another muslim and the worst hurt is caused by a husband to his wife through unfaithful behaviour. This disgusts me and I cannot leave that unexpressed. As for the comment about the divorce, I made it clear in my second post that several steps need to be followed before that course is taken.

Inshallah sister you seem intent on not getting a divorce may Allah reward you and make the path easy for you. Just make sure you don’t become attached to duniya, I know its hard but this is a test for you and remember that your husband is just a temporary part of this world. Inshallah he will change but even if he remains unfaithful then Allah will give you a loving husband in Jannah who will value you, love you and treat you will abundance of happiness. Inshallah.
Try and do islamic activities with your husband, attend Jumah with him, go to lectures, listen to lectures and read Quran together. I recommend Imam Anwar al Awlaki’s lectures on the hereafter, Muhammad (saw)’s life etc for building iman.

[UmmMaryam]

inna lillahi wa inna ilayihi rajiuun. Miscarriage, that must be heart breaking. You need to start by taking care of yourself first. Stop reading those messages and take care of yourself first, heal yourself first. Did you tell your husband that you had a miscarriage? Seems like communication is lacking/fading. You are stressing too much, worrying too much, psychological health is just as important as physical health when it comes to pregnancy. You have your reasons but shake that off and become a little self centred for a little while. Your husband is abroad. SubhanAllah, perhaps you need to speak to an imam in confidence or an active community elder/ someone who can help.