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Friends, not Friends, or acquaintances? - 7th Century Generation

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Friends, not Friends, or acquaintances?


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#1 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 02:15 AM

Salaam 7cGen anon

I have an issue at hand where I recently had a falling out and argument with a former friend. It was about him putting down 1/2 a deposit for an apartment that I never told him to do so, and he put the blame on me . He got mad at me when the landlord told him he could not get his deposit back. We got in a huge fight over it and kept going back and forth for a day or two. After two days, he calls me and says lets put this behind us since were both students and we are both in the same boat. I simply told him its fine, no worries.

Until then, I complied to his requst but deep down inside me I really dont like him anymore. The way he spoke to me on the phone, questioned my intergrity, and accused me of something which was totally not my fault. I can forgive but I cannot forget. Ever since then I have been trying to avoid him such as not picking his phone calls on most occasions, sitting alone in class towards the front, or not even making an effort to help or talk to him. However, he still tries to call me and tries to be friends with me but obviously it doesnt seem like he gets it. If it was up to me ( and I do consider it at times) is to tell him to get away from me and that I do not want to be friends with him. I dont hate the guy or think of him as an enemy or wish bad upon him, but I just feel that I dont want him in my life.

There are a few things about this situation that is maybe bothering me but I cannot put my finger on it. He never directly said the words "sorry" and maybe that is bothering me. Maybe its also the fact that he did not directly tell me that he owned up to his mistakes, but simply said something along the lines about putting this behind us and not fight anymore. Even if he did say sorry and that he messed up, would it change anything?!?! Would I desire his friendship like in the past?

I am the type of person who does not ask for apologies and that part of me I will never change. I take it as either people realize their mistakes and apologize or dont realize at all and dont say sorry. It is either or. I dont force things on people or try to educate them about it, it is plain in simple in those regards and concerning this situation.

So like I said I dont want to be friends with him. I dont hate him or wish bad for him. But a part of me does not want to be friends with and a part of me doesnt want him in my life. What can you all make of this? Any sound advice or anything in Islam we can relate this to? How should I go about this situation? Anything would be appreciated, thank you...

#2 Rajiyat al Firdaws

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 04:24 AM

There is a hadith about how shaytan when unable to make people commit shirk, would resort to causing dissension among the believers. So do not let yourself fall into that trap.

Stop holding a grudge and fight the waswasah with a dua for your brother. The medicine for this is outlined in the Quran "Repel evil with that which is better." surat al mu'minoon.

And remember to feel good about yourself once you do this, and to regard it as a triumph against shaytan's plot to separate between you two.

#3 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 03:42 PM

Thats sound like sound advice but I simply do not want to be friends with this person anymore. I can pray for him and his well-being, but when people do those kind of things to one another like he did, I feel its best to keep your distance from them in the future because who knows what else he could do. It just for my safety and well-being. Would any of you all advise me to be friends with this guy like before b/c I am simply not feeling it.

Any thoughts on this or the oroginal post?

#4 al-ghareebah

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 12:31 AM

He suggested you both put it behind you..

1) He really does still partly blame you for whatever happened, does not see himself alone to blame for it so from his perspectivem this is a good offer of peace/deal when he could still be asserting his greivance.
2) Or he sees his mistake and does not want to apologise or admit to it, thus made this ...avoidance sort of suggestion?

Either way, you need to talk about it. If there was ever anything in this friendship for Allaah's sake, then do not let it die over something that has not even been attempted to be resolved properly.

Also ..(editting): He has essentially taken the toll of a financial loss, of some sort of scale. Even if it was from his own stupidity, its actually easy to understand why he might want to either outright blame someone else for it, or just take out his frustration on someone else. You should be aware of his emotional state during those conversations and actually show some sympathy towards him 'I'm sorry about whats happened but please be reasonable ..' remind him that nothing we earn in wealth really belongs to us anyway and if it was taken away, we could never have had it, etc ..


What you said about you not 'educating people on their mistakes' - I see this as quite an arrogant stance and I am being frank here, you are viewing others from your own moral high ground and either they are at 'your level' of perception or they are not, but if they are not then tough luck for them because they're not worth talking to? Communication is a key part of conflict resolution and you're not even attempting it.


Things aren't always black and white and human beings are changeable. You might be surprised to find that you yourself may learn a thing or two about human nature and the varied perceptions of people as soon as you get off that high horse of yours?

No offence intended, you asked for help.

Edited by al-ghareebah, 01 February 2012 - 12:40 AM.


#5 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 01:59 AM

For the most part, I hate to say that a lot of the things you have said I cannot agree with. But at the same time as I posted this thread and got a few responses, then it does open things up and allows me to view this situation very clearly. Either way, I do value what you had to say and I dont want to come across as someone who is trying to squash your advice.

View Postal-ghareebah, on 01 February 2012 - 12:31 AM, said:


What you said about you not 'educating people on their mistakes' - I see this as quite an arrogant stance and I am being frank here, you are viewing others from your own moral high ground and either they are at 'your level' of perception or they are not, but if they are not then tough luck for them because they're not worth talking to? Communication is a key part of conflict resolution and you're not even attempting it.




I dont see this as being arrogant. It is simply means of me trying to force something upon someone, and I cannot exactly do that. If I was arrogant then I would have told him to buzz off when he said lets try to put this behind us. I did say no worries only because I dont want to be an enemy of someone else. If I was arrogant, then I also would have gone out of my way to start something with him which I never did. But at the same time he was the very person who started this whole commotion. When a person swears at you using the F word and insults you and your father for being cheap, that is very degrading. As I look at this situation, I would want a person to say sorry because I feel likes that validates a relationship between two people. When you say "lets put this behind us" and not "sorry", then I feel it puts me or any other person in my footsteps to think that they have some kind of alterior motive (using people, someone to cover their tracks, etc). Another point I wanted to add is when he says that statement and not sorry, then it also gives me the impression that he is not owning up to his mistakes. There is difference in the two statements.

Therefore a person who has started this situation and brought the drama upon me, I dont feel like it is my obligation to try and fix this. I guess I am trying to seek good reasons (if any) for why I should try to be friends with this guy, but I guess I am still not convinced. I am not actually trying to resolve anything here. Yet at the same time I am trying to seek how to go about this situation.

You do make a few valid points otherwise. I will admit for most people it is tough to own up to what he did, but in hindsight that is what it would take to possibly better this situation. At the same time, that does not give him any reason to go off on me like he did. Indeed I did try to show some sympathy in this situation, but when the person wails on you and starts swearing and throwing demands at you, then any kind of sympathy is thrown out of the window and I dont think any babying or buttering up the person is valid.

I feel like as a Muslim and a human being (let alone for the sake of Islam and society), I did what I had to do when I simply told him no worries. I didnt wage war or try to start something, nor did I tell him to screw himself when he said lets put this behind us. However, I am not obligated to be his buddy or kiss up to him to any extent.

As I mentioned before I do value your post because it has allowed to come to a clearer decision and make sense out of all this. I will probably leave it as is because deep down inside I am still not desiring his friendship. If he ever comes up to me and asks why I am avoiding him or dont talk to him as much, then it would be fair to tell him how I feel otherwise I dont think I should go out of my way to do this. Me avoiding this other person is simply for my well being and own good, as this would be the safe route to go. Things will always be tainted between me and him, this situation has a pot of worms as is.

If anyone else has something to say or input about this situation, or possibly any Islamic references pertaining to this situation I am all eyes and ears and open to it. I did ask for advice or suggestions so I am not bitter towards anyone in here...

#6 al-ghareebah

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Posted 04 February 2012 - 06:23 PM

Quote

I dont see this as being arrogant. It is simply means of me trying to force something upon someone, and I cannot exactly do that. If I was arrogant then I would have told him to buzz off when he said lets try to put this behind us. I did say no worries only because I dont want to be an enemy of someone else. If I was arrogant, then I also would have gone out of my way to start something with him which I never did. But at the same time he was the very person who started this whole commotion. When a person swears at you using the F word and insults you and your father for being cheap, that is very degrading. As I look at this situation, I would want a person to say sorry because I feel likes that validates a relationship between two people. When you say "lets put this behind us" and not "sorry", then I feel it puts me or any other person in my footsteps to think that they have some kind of alterior motive (using people, someone to cover their tracks, etc). Another point I wanted to add is when he says that statement and not sorry, then it also gives me the impression that he is not owning up to his mistakes. There is difference in the two statements.


Yes there is a difference in the two statements, he hasn't apologised and that isn't acceptable. As for the swearing and insulting your parents .. beyond the pale.


Quote

1) He really does still partly blame you for whatever happened, does not see himself alone to blame for it so from his perspectivem this is a good offer of peace/deal when he could still be asserting his greivance.
2) Or he sees his mistake and does not want to apologise or admit to it, thus made this ...avoidance sort of suggestion?


Number 2 is cowardly, number 1, there is room to talk about it and establish fact from fiction, if both parties are willing.

Quote

Therefore a person who has started this situation and brought the drama upon me, I dont feel like it is my obligation to try and fix this. I guess I am trying to seek good reasons (if any) for why I should try to be friends with this guy, but I guess I am still not convinced. I am not actually trying to resolve anything here. Yet at the same time I am trying to seek how to go about this situation.


I had the impression you were simply unwilling to reach out to the individual and giving him the cold shoulder for his emotional outburst, but insulting your parents really shows this individual has no limits, he cannot possibly expect to get away with that without apologising, how very low.

The preservation of ones own dignity should be of primary importance, through associating with another if they don't treat you with respect nor dignity then yes, save yourself the company, because being solitary is better than leaving the potential for your parents to be degraded by him. Going back to a person in the same way after they insulted your father, isn't something anyone could fault you for not doing. In fact your behaviour is commendable in light of these facts.

I think its best to be content with your decision and simply accept this is the way it is to be, and move on. Allaahu'alam.

#7 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 04 February 2012 - 08:20 PM

@ Al-Ghareebah

Salaam Sister
You are too kind. I dont want you to feel bad or to think I was lashing out on you. As I said before I did value your post and it did help me open things up for this situation. I did forget to mention a few things in the original post so maybe that is why you were misled.

#8 Guest_Bubbly_*

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Posted 05 February 2012 - 06:37 AM

Isnt it ok in Islam if you dont want to be friends with someone but you just have to say salam to them and not stop speaking to them completely? Thats the islamic understanding I know. Dont stop talking to your brother for more than 3 days.

#9 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 05:34 PM

View PostBubbly, on 05 February 2012 - 06:37 AM, said:

Isnt it ok in Islam if you dont want to be friends with someone but you just have to say salam to them and not stop speaking to them completely? Thats the islamic understanding I know. Dont stop talking to your brother for more than 3 days.


From what I know, we must say Salaam at the least to a person we may not be fond of. Even if you desire not to be friends with that person, we must try to keep things clear and not have grudges against them (which is exactly what I am doing in my situation and which is why I told him no worries at the least). So basically you are correct when you posed this question.

About the 3 days thing, I am not really sure. Perhaps someone else can answer that for us...

Allah (swt) knows best...

#10 ghazala

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 10:49 PM

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inshaAllah this will help you brother ...

and Allahu Alim

do not catch grudges against him coz he is ur muslim bro :)

and just keep a minimal contact with him ....

that is what all i can suggest

and what ever good i have told is from Allah and whatever bad i have told is from my side ...

may Allah forgive me if i have said something wrong inshaAllah ...

#11 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 06:18 AM

@Ghazala

That is an interesting insight that you gave. "No believer is struck by the same hole twice!" I understood and comprehended the story until the very end.
Can you put this into perspective and relate to my situation? I guess I am still not clear on this story.

I definetely do not form grudges which is why I told him no worries when he said to put this behind us. You have good intentions and seems you are helping, thanks.

#12 Guest_JustanObserver_*

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Posted 10 February 2012 - 05:55 PM

Why not just be honest and tell him the truth about how you feel about your relationship?

It seems like despite it all, you're covering your true feelings for the sake of looking like the better person, but if you really feel you cannot ever be on the same plane as this person again, just say so in a kinder fashion. Don't cross the limits of justice towards another Muslim, but make your feelings and stance clear and explain how even if you forgive, you cannot put these things behind you as hard as you try.

This is the truth, because if you had put it behind you, then it wouldn't bother you. And you don't need to ask for an apology, but I see nothing wrong in enabling a person to see their mistakes without making them feel like it's all okay. That's just silly and enables them to continue as they were without remorse, and for you to feel unnecessarily antagonized and conflicted because they don't see it.

So my advice is to just be honest, with yourself and your friend.

#13 sarahpatchkids

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Posted 12 February 2012 - 11:32 PM

If this is the first time you ever experienced such an act from him, then I would not have such feelings (like the ones you are having) towards him. This is because Shaytaan causes misunderstandings between people, and it could very well been a real honest mistake. He might have genuinely thought you agreed to such a deal, when you didn't (or never indicated that), and waswas (whispering from Shaytaan) could have been a major contributor to this whole problem...

#14 Guest_HelpABrother_*

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Posted 12 February 2012 - 11:47 PM

View Postsarahpatchkids, on 12 February 2012 - 11:32 PM, said:

If this is the first time you ever experienced such an act from him, then I would not have such feelings (like the ones you are having) towards him. This is because Shaytaan causes misunderstandings between people, and it could very well been a real honest mistake. He might have genuinely thought you agreed to such a deal, when you didn't (or never indicated that), and waswas (whispering from Shaytaan) could have been a major contributor to this whole problem...



You actually make a very good point sister. I cannot argue with that and I actually did not think of it myself. Granted he did swear at me using the F word, called my father and I cheap, and simply degraded my integrity. Those things are very uncalled for. Him not asking me to put a deposit down is selfish and plain stupid, especially when I did not get to see the place myself.

If it was an honest mistake, he would come out like a human being and say it but I cant force that upon him or anyone in his footsteps. Perhaps he is still under the impression that I am the one who screwed up. If you are telling me to be friends with him and seek his mistakes, that wont happen unless he seeks it for himself. Especially when I was the only friend he had here in school and was the only person willling to lend a hand out to him.

Despite what has happened, the damage has been done. The fact that those things crossed his mind when I am supposed to be his friend is unacceptible. I did make a deal to myself, if he comes up to me and asks why the distance then its fair to tell him. Otherwise I just dont care because I dont desire his friendship and he really went through extremes to bring me down.

#15 ghazala

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 09:24 AM

View PostHelpABrother, on 09 February 2012 - 06:18 AM, said:

@Ghazala

That is an interesting insight that you gave. "No believer is struck by the same hole twice!" I understood and comprehended the story until the very end.
Can you put this into perspective and relate to my situation? I guess I am still not clear on this story.

I definetely do not form grudges which is why I told him no worries when he said to put this behind us. You have good intentions and seems you are helping, thanks.


View PostHelpABrother, on 09 February 2012 - 06:18 AM, said:

@Ghazala

That is an interesting insight that you gave. "No believer is struck by the same hole twice!" I understood and comprehended the story until the very end.
Can you put this into perspective and relate to my situation? I guess I am still not clear on this story.

I definetely do not form grudges which is why I told him no worries when he said to put this behind us. You have good intentions and seems you are helping, thanks.


dear guest,

well i too read it a lil many times before posting ... but i too dint understand the story much ... but this was very striking to ur situation as i felt ... "No believer is struck by the same hole twice!" thats the reason i posted it ...

i really want to know what the story was myself ... but no idea where to ask help ... :) hopefully someone can come up and explain ... it a lil inshaAllah... if they understood what it meant :) inshaAllah.




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