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Should I Become His Second Wife? - 7th Century Generation

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Should I Become His Second Wife?

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#1 Guest_complicated.sister_*

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 07:41 AM

About two years ago, I was introduced to my male cousins friend. It was just a 'hey. salams,' kind of thing. We didn't really talk much but slowly, we became friends. We got closer and closer but then one day he tells me he's married and he's sorry he didn't tell me. He had gotten married a couple months before we met as an arranged marriage sort of thing. He was 19 and making his family happy.
Anyways, he can't divorce her and I'd never ask him to, I mean really, who am I to do that? We remained friends after he told me because we were able to go to each other for advise and whatnot, Alhamduillah, we've been like best friends. Recently, I dreamt of us having a baby girl together and we were so happy.After that, my heart just opened to him. I hadn't let it before because I never, ever wanted to be a second wife. But now, I just don't know. I realize I;m still young, (19) but I'm ready to do right by my deen and complete half of it. And I really feel he's the one. Married or not.

Any advise?

#2 Abu Muhammad

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 10:30 AM

Make Istikhara.

#3 Salaam

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 05:03 PM

View PostAbu Muhammad, on 03 February 2012 - 10:30 AM, said:

Make Istikhara.


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#4 Guest_Guest Bubbly_*

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 11:23 PM

Wasalam sis, in Islam Allah gave you permission so you can marry him but remember that he committed emotional adultery with his first wife by speaking, flirting, interacting with you. Can you really trust him? He even cheated on you and lied to you by not telling you he was married. He can easily cheat not just with another girl but on a whole range of other matters. Does he even want to marry you in the first place? I dont think he does, I think he was just having fun, playing around and now that he told you he's married he's had enough of you? What do you think? Maybe he's a real pious brother who was forced to get married and had a whole sob story to go with it and he's really a poor nice innocent guy...but it doesnt look like it. He really should have not married his wife if he wasnt happy, if he cant stand up against his parents do you really think he can stand up against them now and marry two wives? I know this doesn't help but umm...I feel really sorry for his first wife. Imagine how you would feel if you were in her situation. How heartbreaking, her life is ruined now. Her dreams of a happy marriage are completely shattered. I know its not your fault and your just as hurt but in a way it was your fault because 'making friends' with the opposite gender is haram in Islam and having a relationship outside marriage is just as haram. Maybe this is Allah way of punishing you and removing the sins you accumulated over the time you had the relationship. I hope God forgives you for the sins you committed and you get out of this horrible mess shaitan got you into. Poor you, I will pray for you my sister. Goodluck.

#5 Guest_complicated.sister_*

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Posted 04 February 2012 - 01:55 AM

I realize you're right in what you say but I guess I should clarify that he told he was married a few months after we met. So its been about a year and half that I've known. We've never been in any kind of relationship before except for friendship. We've never met up or hung out or done anything haram. Just text, phone calls, skype etc, about life, family, school. It's never about love or a relationship. He's never told me he loves me. And I've never told him either. He knows how I feel though as of recently and I know how he feels. He doesn't live with his wife, she lives over seas. He rarely sees her. It was an arranged marriage for her as well. Its not a matter of standing up to anyone, its more a matter of "should I accept to be a second wife" even though we both feel we're right for each other. We openly talk about his wife, its not a matter of being uncomfortable. She is also from a country, city, and family that is open to multiple wives. He doesn't feel resentment towards it. I don't even mind the thought of being her friend. He is a kind fair guy and wouldn't treat us differently.

I just want advise on life as a second wife. Etc.

#6 Guest_sis_*

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 06:25 AM

salam,
just a thought - if you start a marriage with the wrong footing or the wrong foundations - how much baraqah would be in the marriage?
and you say he is kind and fair - does his wife know about you? if she doesn't - is that fair on her?
and does he want you to be his second wife? have you talked to him about it? i can imagine it would be quite hard to have two wives and treat them fairly especially if one was an arranged marriage and the other was a chick he wanted to marry - of course he would prefer the one he wanted to marry over the arranged one. which would make it heaps harder on him. do you want to put him in that position?
and emotions can blind a person - you guys might think you guys are perfect for eachother and you guys would be happy bla bla bla. but you dont know for sure it would work... it might go all sweet for a bit and then crumble. but like the brother said, put your emotions aside and do istikhara.and talk to him about it. if he doesn't want a second wife, then thats it - dont stay in contact with him (i know, easier said than done). and if he is considering to take you as a second wife, both of you do istikhara and if you guys decide to get married, keep contact to a minimum and do the rest in a halal way. just my two cents for you. wasalaam

#7 ghazala

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 09:23 AM

As salamualikum ,

My dearest guest,

Its really sweet of you for the way you think :) Alhamdulillah ... but sis remember things are not as they seem they can be or would be ... so please think genuinely and seek Allah's counsel (isteykhara ) and come to any conclusion ... inshaAllah May what ever happen after that is for your khayr ameen

well the sisters above have already kept an insight of what all you can think of inshaAllah ... so it would be good if you calculate all those points in ur mind and come to an conclusion .

And i dont think age is of any matter when it comes to marriages sis :) ... coz Allah (swt) knows the best what is the time and age to get married inshaAllah ...
its not about being younger or older its just about ur deen and affinity to be binded in a relationship... khayr

May whatever happens is for your good and the other sisters good too inshaAllah .

with regards,
Abd Allah,
Ghazala (A sis from ummah).

#8 ghazala

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 11:38 AM

When we engage in illegitimate relationships outside of marriage, we unconsciously serve & obey the shaitan and disobey ALLAH Sub'haana Wa Ta'ala, our Creator, our Protector, our Cherisher & Sustainer, The Only One worthy of worship. If you love someone, please either get married asap, or leave them alone, because if you really love him/her that much, you won't help them earn ALLAH Sub'haana Wa Ta'ala's anger & wrath and possibly be destined to the fire of hell. May ALLAH Sub'haana Wa Ta'ala protect all of us.

Aameen.



#9 Salaam

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 08:26 PM

They committed zina, then they repented and got married, but she is sure that they will be punished and their children will be deformed



|


I have a friend who got to know a man 6 years ago. Praise be to Allaah, they have got married, but before that they committed zina. My friend deeply regrets what she did, she weeps night and day and offers all the prayers and prays for forgiveness every day. After getting married, they went for ‘Umrah and they intend to do Hajj, but her husband wants children and she is afraid that she will produce a deformed child as a punishment from Allaah. She says that the one who commits zina will be punished in this world and in the Hereafter even if he or she repents. Is this true? Will they go to Hell?.
Praise be to Allaah.
We praise Allaah for having enabled them to repent, and we ask Him to reward them and make them steadfast. Undoubtedly the immoral actions that they committed are causes of Allaah’s punishment in this world and in the Hereafter, but there is the hope that sincere repentance from this action, regret for what was done, resolve not to do it again, and weeping for having sinned against Allaah and violated the sanctity of the Muslims will all be good for this repentant person and will be the cause of his or her bad deeds being turned to good deeds.
This sister’s repentance should not lead her to despair of the mercy of Allaah, for the Shaytaan will exploit this and will prevent her from repenting and doing good deeds.
It is good that she regrets what she did and weeps and repents and prays for forgiveness, out of recognition of the seriousness of the sin that she and her husband committed. But it is not good for her to despair of the mercy of Allaah and think badly of Him, may He be exalted.
Our Lord has told us that He forgives all sins, no matter how great they are or how many, if we repent to Him, and He has forbidden us to despair of His mercy, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”


[al-Zumar 39:53]
And He has told us that He will turn evil deeds to good deeds for the one who is sincere in his repentance, even if he has committed shirk and murder and zina, which are the gravest of sins. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse -- and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.
69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;
70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[al-Furqaan 25:68-70]
Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us that Allaah rejoices over the repentance of His slave and that the one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin.
Hence we can see that it is wrong to say that the one who commits zina will be punished in this world and in the Hereafter even if he repents. The evidence quoted above proves that this idea is false. Rather Allaah encourages His slaves to repent and rewards them for it if they do it; He does not punish them.
So there is no need to fear having children and no need to be anxious.
Ask Allaah for righteous children, and seek the help of your Lord, and do many good deeds. We ask Allaah to help you to do that which pleases Him.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A

#10 neelu

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 06:17 PM

If these two didn't commit adultery, then I don't think a fatwa regarding adultery is applicable here- even though I think their relationship sounds very inappropriate and I totally agree with Bubbly's post. I don't like the way any of this situation sounds. Where is your family in all of this? Who is your wali (male guardian) and what is his view? You cannot get married without the consent of a wali so his input is vital.

I get the strong impression that you've let your emotions override better judgement. The guy didn't get what he wanted in life as far as he's told you because he says his family imposed this first wife on him so he may feel he's lacking that emotional connection and companionship with a woman (I get the impression you're a respectable sister so this probably is not about sex or lust for you but that doesn't mean forming this sort of connection is okay either)- so he's trying to get that from you. You're not his wife, he shouldn't be looking to another woman to satisfy that need whilst he's still married regardless of what his parents did. If he had any self respect as a Muslim and cared about your honour and being fair then he would make an effort to find out who your wali is and approach him to ask for your hand in marriage- not seek emotional fulfilment from another woman during his marriage.

How would you feel if he married you and then after a while he decides you don't connect in the same way as before so he tries to connect with another woman. Would you be happy for him to marry again and think that is fair? Do you honestly think that would never happen to you (it's happened once already hasn't it)? Or maybe you think you'd be more devoted to his needs and giving him time but if your dream is right and you go on to have a baby then that time will be divided and you'd be sluggish from lack of sleep and a whole load of other things going on. And as someone else has already pointed out, if he couldn't stand up to his family when it came to marrying someone he'd really want as a first wife, what makes you think he'd stand up to them in fighting to make you his second wife.

#11 ghazala

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Posted 19 February 2012 - 06:48 PM

View PostSalaam, on 06 February 2012 - 08:26 PM, said:

They committed zina, then they repented and got married, but she is sure that they will be punished and their children will be deformed



|

I have a friend who got to know a man 6 years ago. Praise be to Allaah, they have got married, but before that they committed zina. My friend deeply regrets what she did, she weeps night and day and offers all the prayers and prays for forgiveness every day. After getting married, they went for ‘Umrah and they intend to do Hajj, but her husband wants children and she is afraid that she will produce a deformed child as a punishment from Allaah. She says that the one who commits zina will be punished in this world and in the Hereafter even if he or she repents. Is this true? Will they go to Hell?.
Praise be to Allaah.
We praise Allaah for having enabled them to repent, and we ask Him to reward them and make them steadfast. Undoubtedly the immoral actions that they committed are causes of Allaah’s punishment in this world and in the Hereafter, but there is the hope that sincere repentance from this action, regret for what was done, resolve not to do it again, and weeping for having sinned against Allaah and violated the sanctity of the Muslims will all be good for this repentant person and will be the cause of his or her bad deeds being turned to good deeds.
This sister’s repentance should not lead her to despair of the mercy of Allaah, for the Shaytaan will exploit this and will prevent her from repenting and doing good deeds.
It is good that she regrets what she did and weeps and repents and prays for forgiveness, out of recognition of the seriousness of the sin that she and her husband committed. But it is not good for her to despair of the mercy of Allaah and think badly of Him, may He be exalted.
Our Lord has told us that He forgives all sins, no matter how great they are or how many, if we repent to Him, and He has forbidden us to despair of His mercy, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”



[al-Zumar 39:53]
And He has told us that He will turn evil deeds to good deeds for the one who is sincere in his repentance, even if he has committed shirk and murder and zina, which are the gravest of sins. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse -- and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.
69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;
70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[al-Furqaan 25:68-70]
Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told us that Allaah rejoices over the repentance of His slave and that the one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin.
Hence we can see that it is wrong to say that the one who commits zina will be punished in this world and in the Hereafter even if he repents. The evidence quoted above proves that this idea is false. Rather Allaah encourages His slaves to repent and rewards them for it if they do it; He does not punish them.
So there is no need to fear having children and no need to be anxious.
Ask Allaah for righteous children, and seek the help of your Lord, and do many good deeds. We ask Allaah to help you to do that which pleases Him.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A


brother salaam i would request you that do not point on the things that are not asked about inshaAllah ! if u did want to tell about this factor then u could just make a reminder note ... inshaAllah ! hope you understand ... she is here for our help or suggestion alhamdulillah ... lets concentrate on that inshaAllah :) ...

And Alhamdulillah :) sis neelus post is very relevent subhanAllah! may Allah bless you sis :) ameen

and Also, jazakumAllahu khayran for the guest who are trying to help the sister with there suggestions alhamdulillah ...

May Allah bless you all for the way your trying to help our dear sister in islam ...

Sister Complected guest - please kindly do let us know as to what you are thinking as of now and do u really think that our efforts are going in the correct direction inshaAllah! and do not worry inshaAllah ! we all want good for u inshaAllah :)

Coz if we help you Allah will surly help us in our affairs inshaAllah :)

and please feel free :)

May Allah bless you with the correct knowledge ameen ...




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